Articles

White House Launches New Task Force To Determine Why Eggs Exist

Administration announces multi-agency investigation into rising egg prices and the deeper philosophical question of why chickens keep making them. Read More.

Pentagon Deploys Advanced Laser Weapon Capable Of Deleting Entire Twitter Arguments

Military unveils powerful new laser system designed to neutralize enemy threats—and possibly vaporize online debates before they spiral out of control. Read More.

Economy Improves Slightly, Pundits Scramble To Explain Why That’s Actually Bad

Economic indicators beat expectations, forcing TV analysts to invent entirely new reasons prosperity is concerning. Read More.

Education Department Removes 2,300 Woke Webpages, Universities Report Sudden Shortage of Feelings

After thousands of DEI webpages vanished overnight, universities nationwide report a dangerous drop in feelings-based coursework. Read More.

European Leaders Courageously Warn America Not To Escalate War They Won’t Fight

European leaders bravely urge restraint after U.S. strikes Iran, confirming they strongly oppose escalation occurring anywhere near Europe. Read More.

U.N. Holds Emtermine If America Should Defend Itself

Global leaders rush to emergency meeting after U.S. strikes Iran, hoping to determine whether self-defense is still allowed under international etiquette. Read More.

SCOTUS Declares Parents Have ‘Right to Know That Kids Are Kids’ in Innovative Ruling

Supreme Court justices unanimously agree schools can’t hide transitions from parents — opponents claim judgement violates secrecy vibes. Read More.

Epic Fury Goes Epic-er: Pentagon Declares ‘Operation Eternal Back-Pat’ After 72 Hours

Pentagon proudly renames war “Operation Eternal Back-Pat” as generals insist constant applause is more important than victory. Read More.

Hillary Repeatedly Throws Bill Under Bus in Epic Epstein Testimony Marathon (And Somehow Still Doesn’t Remember Him)

America watches as the Clintons master the art of political amnesia, u-turns, and blame-cycling in historic testimony. Read More.

Trump Declares “Woke AI Outlaw Country” After Banning Claude, Then Accidentally Uses It to Bomb Iran

MAGA tech policy ends up looking like a spaghetti code of patriotic fury, war-room AI, and accidental self-contradiction. Read More.

Biden Unveils ‘Affordable Luxury Inflation’ To Boost National Self-Esteem

White House rebrands rising prices as “premium patriotism,” urging Americans to feel honored paying $9 for eggs. Read More.

GOP’s ‘Texas Trojan Horse’ Strategy: Helping Democrats Win by Helping Democrats Win

GOP insiders secretly cheerlead a Democratic candidate — because nothing says winning like helping the other team nominate their own worst nightmare. Read More.

Gavin Newsom Declares Himself “Official Media Disruptor” by Out-Trolling the President

After mocking Trump’s big speech day, Newsom rebrands as America’s first elected trolling governor, prompting official backlash and meme wars. Read More.

White House Unveils “Spin-nado” Social Media Bot Army to Defeat Reality After SOTU

Karoline Leavitt announces a new AI-powered narrative machine that tweets faster than facts can tweet back following Trump’s marathon State of the Union. Read More.

Conservative Sites Leak Data, But Hackers Reportedly Got Lost in Meme Folder

In an epic digital saga, conservative news platforms get breached — and hackers regretfully discover they’d already been subscribed anyway. Read More.