Articles

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Trump Declares Late Night a Talent-Free Zone, Suggests Basement Relocation for Hosts
After calling Stephen Colbert “talentless” into oblivion, Trump now sets his sights on Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel — predicting their shows could soon be downgraded to livestreaming from mom’s Wi-Fi. Read More.
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Trump To Democrats: Census Now BYOB – Bring Your Own Birth Certificate
President Trump’s new census order has Democrats panicking, clutching their pearls, and Googling “What’s a citizen?” faster than Kamala laughs at her own jokes. Read More.
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Hillary Demands Gabbard Be Waterboarded With Kombucha
Tulsi Gabbard stuns the D.C. swamp by delivering receipts on Russiagate — and the DOJ hilariously pretends they’re interested in justice instead of just finding a new way to accidentally delete files. Read More.
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Putin And Trump Set To Solve Ukraine War Over Camel Milk Lattes; Details TBD
A gleefully absurd parody of Putin and Trump’s imminently planned meeting, hyped as world‑changing but grounded in vague venue talk, booming markets, and impossible expectations. Read More.
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Lockheed Martin To Launch 'Feelings-Based Missile Shield' That Politely Asks Hypersonic Threats To Turn Around
Lockheed Martin unveils plan to intercept enemy missiles from space — using advanced technology, a heap of taxpayer cash, and possibly Oprah’s book club. Read More.
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Trump Slaps 25% Tariff On India For Naughty Russian Oil Addiction
President Trump hits India with a 25% tariff for buying oil from Russia. Turns out, playing footsie with Putin gets you a slap from Uncle Don. Read More.
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Biden Caught Planning Lawfare Over Pancakes, Confuses Constitution With Waffle Menu
A bombshell exposé reveals the Biden White House coordinated a government-wide “lawfare fiesta” to stop Trump from winning in 2024—because apparently ballots are just too risky when democracy might vote the wrong way. Read More.
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AI Apocalypse Averted: Trump Deploys “Common Sense” and Golf Course Wisdom
In a visionary sermon delivered from his golden golf throne in Scotland, President Trump eased America’s nerves about AI stealing jobs by explaining that robots will create jobs — possibly even the ones they just stole. Read More.
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Trump Parks Nuclear Subs “In The Region,” Asks Putin If He Wants Smoke — Or Torpedoes
President Trump deploys nuclear subs to an “appropriate region” after getting trolled by Medvedev. World holds breath as Witkoff prepares to negotiate peace using nothing but a stern look and Mar-a-Lago merch. Read More.
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Trump Solves Twitter Beef With Submarines: “Ultimate Ratio Achieved”
After getting ghosted by Putin, Trump scrapped peace talks and sent nuclear subs like an angry ex mailing pipe bombs. Medvedev trolled, Trump torpedoed. Read More.
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Economy Surges As Nation Hires Itself To Comfort The Unemployed
The U.S. added a glorious 73,000 jobs in July—most of them in the emotional support sector—while unemployment waltzed up to 4.2%. The White House called it a "victory for vibes-based hiring." Read More.
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MSNBC Declares JD Vance A “Threat To Democracy” For Knowing Obama's DOJ Existed
JD Vance performed a dark, forbidden ritual on BlazeTV: he asked questions about Epstein that didn’t involve Trump. Panic ensued in the Beltway. Read More.
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Ukraine's Acting Life Coach Gives Russia a 12-Step Program for Not Being Russia
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, speaking through what sounded like a potato on dial-up internet, demanded that the world finally uninstall Vladimir Putin and reboot Russia in safe mode. Read More.
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Trump Warns Medvedev: “Watch Your Words, Comrade Crybaby” — Adds, “India Can Keep Its Discount Elephants”
Trump slaps down Russia’s backup villain Dmitry Medvedev with a flaming Truth Social post, calls India’s economy a junkyard, and reminds both nations who’s boss. Read More.
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Trump Considers Skipping G20 In South Africa, Sends Giant MAGA Hat Instead
President Trump might skip the G20 in South Africa because apparently "land reform" is a euphemism for "farm the farmers." He's considering sending someone else—possibly a bolder, smarter lifeform like a MAGA hat or Ivanka’s AI clone. Read More.
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