Articles

California Blames $6 Gas On Greedy Molecules Refusing Equity

Newsom shifts blame for soaring gas prices to “non-cooperative fuel molecules” that refuse to distribute themselves fairly. Read More.

Trump Promises To “Turn Off Iran Like Wi-Fi Router” If Needed

Trump escalates rhetoric on Iran, promising swift action so simple even your dad resetting the router could understand. Read More.

Government Launches New Program To Spend $1.3 Billion Without Knowing Where It Went

Officials confirm billions in taxpayer funds are “untraceable,” but assure Americans the money still felt very supported. Read More.

Nation Assured Men In Women’s Sports Ban Is “Deeply Offensive To Biology”

Activists warn excluding men from women’s sports harms feelings, while scientists quietly check if reality has been canceled yet. Read More.

U.S. Military Deploys Robot Boats, Pentagon Promises They’re Emotionally Supportive

New autonomous sea drones enter combat, with officials assuring the public the machines are both lethal and deeply affirming of diverse identities. Read More.

Senate Funds Everything Except Border, Declares Crisis “Emotionally Resolved”

Lawmakers celebrate funding victory after excluding immigration enforcement, insisting the border crisis has been successfully redefined out of existence. Read More.

Congress Celebrates Bipartisan Breakthrough: Doing Nothing Together More Efficiently

Lawmakers applaud historic cooperation after successfully avoiding action on multiple crises with unprecedented unity. Read More.

White House Assures Nation Border Is Secure, Just “Very Welcoming”

Officials clarify ongoing migrant surge is proof of system working, not failing, as crossings reach “record inclusivity levels.” Read More.

Canada Expands Healthcare Options to Include ‘Have You Tried Dying?’

Canadian healthcare broadens patient choices by offering euthanasia for minor conditions, citing efficiency and reduced wait times. Read More.

Congress Considers Funding Government After Realizing It Actually Exists

After briefly forgetting the government was real, Congress debates funding it again, citing inconvenience of citizens noticing its absence. Read More.

Media Outlets Praise Themselves for Unbiased Coverage of Stories They Agree With

Journalists celebrate commitment to objectivity by consistently confirming their own viewpoints with remarkable accuracy and consistency. Read More.

Democrats Warn Climate Change Now Causing Sudden Outbreak of Wrong Opinions

Lawmakers link rising global temperatures to surge in “unauthorized thoughts,” propose sweeping regulations to cool both planet and public discourse. Read More.

Climate Experts Propose Ban on Weather After Unexpected Snowstorm Appears

Officials push bold new plan to eliminate unpredictable weather entirely after nature refuses to follow approved climate messaging Read More.

Democrats Warn Democracy in Danger After Voters Start Voting Wrong

Party leaders express grave concern as citizens continue exercising democracy incorrectly, prompting urgent calls for “guided voting solutions.” Read More.

Google Urged to Explain Why Search Results Still Occasionally Show Reality

Lawmakers demand answers after reports that Google briefly displayed non-approved viewpoints, sparking fears of accidental balance. Read More.