Articles

White House Unveils New Tariff Plan To Bring Back American Toaster Factories

Economists panic after Trump promises tariffs will restore American jobs, patriotism, and possibly 1987 mall food courts. Read More.

Mark Hamill Forced To Apologize After Accidentally Revealing Hollywood’s Actual Feelings

Hollywood scrambles into damage control after actor briefly forgets celebrities are supposed to hide their political rage better. Read More.

Gavin Newsom Declares California High-Speed Rail “Ahead Of Schedule” Again

California leaders celebrate another historic milestone as the state’s unfinished train project reaches year nineteen. Read More.

White House Creates Federal Task Force To Investigate Hurt Feelings Online

Officials warn misinformation, sarcasm, and unapproved jokes now pose a serious threat to national emotional security. Read More.

Trump Ballroom Security Funding Sparks Panic Among Nation’s Folding Chair Community

Critics warn enhanced White House security could endanger democracy by making official events slightly more organized Read More.

Economists Warn Trump Tariffs Could Cause Dangerous Surge In American Manufacturing

Experts fear new tariffs may accidentally revive U.S. factories, threatening decades of peaceful overseas dependence Read More.

White House Assures Americans Economy Strong After Redefining “Strong”

Officials confirm economic confidence remains high after quietly updating the meaning of “strong” to include confusion, debt, and vibes. Read More.

Congress Unveils Bipartisan Plan To Fix Nation By Renaming All Problems

Lawmakers agree on historic solution: if you can’t solve a crisis, just rebrand it. Americans encouraged to feel immediate relief. Read More.

Pentagon Announces “Climate-Sensitive Warfare” To Ensure Battles Remain Environmentally

Defense officials unveil eco-conscious military strategy prioritizing sustainability, even in the heat of combat operations. Read More.

Supreme Court Introduces “Feelings-Based Rulings” To Replace Outdated Constitution

Justices explore new framework prioritizing emotional outcomes over legal text, calling it a “more inclusive interpretation of justice.” Read More.

Trump Unveils ‘Everyday American’ IRA Plan, Washington Scrambles To Understand It

New retirement plan sparks panic in D.C. as officials realize regular Americans may gain access to benefits previously reserved for insiders. Read More.

Democrats Propose Letting Noncitizens Vote So Elections Feel More Inclusive

Lawmakers push to expand voting rights to noncitizens, arguing democracy works best when participation ignores citizenship entirely. Read More.

Administration Launches ‘Affordable Living Initiative’ By Redefining Affordable

Officials combat rising costs by updating definition of “affordable,” assuring Americans their struggles are mostly semantic misunderstandings. Read More.

Congress Proposes Bill Requiring 72-Hour Notice Before Any Crisis

Lawmakers unveil plan to stabilize nation by ensuring all emergencies are scheduled in advance, giving officials time to prepare statements. Read More.

Congress Demands Civility Online After Calling Each Other Existential Threats

Lawmakers urge Americans to tone down rhetoric online immediately after accusing one another of destroying civilization before lunch. Read More.