Articles

The Resistance Takes a Wrong Turn

In a bold stand against a mapping app rumored to have a conservative algorithm, progressive activists have rediscovered the joy of printing out turn-by-turn directions. Early reports indicate traffic has gotten worse, but moral superiority is at an all-time high.

Crisis in D.C.

In a shocking turn of events, two Democratic senators were found to possess functional vertebrae, leading to widespread panic and calls for their immediate cancellation. The party is scrambling to contain the outbreak of independent thought.

In a bold move that redefines progress, Massachusetts Democrats have heroically set aside their talking points about youth and diversity to ensure a man who remembers the Truman administration gets another shot.

In a devastating blow to people who get their news exclusively from TikTok, Democratic voters in key primaries are tragically opting for candidates focused on local issues over those promising to dismantle capitalism by Thursday.

Following a minor trade dispute, U.S. activists have successfully lobbied to have the entire country of Canada canceled. The State Department is now weighing sanctions, including a full ban on maple syrup and mandatory sensitivity training for all visiting hockey teams.

In a bold cost-cutting measure, the administration has decided that complex foreign policy is best handled by people who pretend to be other people for a living. Results are expected to be extremely photogenic.

'We need to pass the torch,' explained one activist, 'but preferably back to the person who lit it during the Ford administration.'

Following a House resolution denouncing the horrors of socialism, leading progressives clarified their political identities remain unchanged, viewing the vote as more of a 'declarative suggestion' than a binding ideological commitment.

In a stunning rejection of new faces, the Democratic party has reportedly solved its leadership problem by keeping its oldest politicians and simply handing them a new script written by 22-year-old interns.

In a bold missionary effort, California Governor Gavin Newsom is touring several southern states to share his state's revolutionary policies, such as sky-high taxes and rolling blackouts, with communities that have tragically managed to avoid them.

Following the shocking primary results in Oklahoma, Democratic party leaders have reportedly launched an internal investigation to determine how their message accidentally appealed to voters.

NEWS

Following a stunning primary victory, national Democrats are praising a Wyoming candidate whose platform includes transitioning coal miners to artisanal poets and replacing Mount Rushmore with a monument to brunch.

In its bold new push for equity, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has streamlined disaster relief by prioritizing victims who demonstrate a commitment to social justice, regardless of their actual material needs after a hurricane.

In a shocking blow to progress, a recent primary election has revealed that constituents may be more concerned with skyrocketing grocery bills than with a candidate's pledge to decolonize the local dog park.

Breaking News

A new study reveals that limited-edition rainbow packaging on power tools is slightly less effective at securing lifelong community loyalty than previously thought by corporate marketing departments.