SACRAMENTO, CA — California Governor and part-time shampoo model Gavin Newsom has unveiled a revolutionary new plan called “DOGE but Better,” which experts say is just like Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency — except it bleeds cash, hires consultants with gender studies degrees, and sets taxpayer money on fire in a carbon-neutral way.
Newsom, who believes the solution to California’s $73 billion budget black hole is more algorithms, declared, “We’re doing efficiency... the California way,” moments before asking the federal government for $40 billion in wildfire relief and a blank check for vibes.
The plan includes partnering with Accenture and Deloitte — firms known for charging seven figures to tell you your website needs a new font — and promising to fix traffic, housing, and the DMV using AI, despite the fact that nothing else he's touched has worked, including his own electric razor.
Meanwhile, Elon Musk reportedly laughed for three straight minutes before tweeting: “Bless his heart.”
