Articles

In a move set to revolutionize campaign seasons, a leading progressive think tank has declared that any form of political scrutiny, from policy questions to voting record analysis, can now be officially classified as Islamophobia.

In a stunning display of technological and moral superiority, President Biden was supported by a previously unknown 'invisible chair' during a moment of solemnity in Normandy, a feat media experts are calling a 'triumph of empathetic engineering.' Republicans, meanwhile, were criticized for their reliance on visible, corporeal chairs.

After losing his primary by a staggering margin, a local progressive candidate has declared the outcome a 'monumental success' in the long-term project of teaching voters what they should want.

The once-pioneering ethical retailer has ceased US operations, leaving a gaping hole in the market for overpriced lotion sold with a side of self-righteousness.

In a bold new strategy, Democratic strategists have reportedly allocated billions in midterm spending to a nationwide campaign aimed at persuading voters that their economic hardships are merely a perception issue.

'No Kings' Protest Fizzles

A much-anticipated protest against theoretical tyranny was reportedly smaller than the line at a local artisanal donut shop, forcing organizers to reconsider their revolutionary strategy.

In the face of polling data that would traditionally signal electoral doom, top media analysts have bravely concluded that numbers are an outdated metric for measuring success and that the 'narrative trajectory' indicates a landslide victory for the left.

After years of rigorous self-reflection, the nation's top pollsters have unveiled a new, foolproof methodology designed to prevent the electoral surprises of the past by simply adjusting for outcomes that cause anxiety.

Breaking News

In a stunning display of economic forensics, Senator Elizabeth Warren has identified the single culprit behind rising restaurant prices: corporate greed. Other factors, such as inflation and wage mandates, were reportedly unavailable for comment.

Analysis Paralysis

As sociologists and media pundits search for answers, they've concluded the real problem isn't failed immigration policy, but a critical lack of museum-based arts and crafts programs.

In a bold move to make the legal system more emotionally resonant, California's courts have decided that objective facts and evidence are now secondary to a defendant's subjective experience of systemic oppression.

In a courageous act of political missionary work, California Governor Gavin Newsom has journeyed to the Granite State to share his home state's secrets for success, such as record-high gas prices and a thriving tent economy.

Emergency Meeting

Following a 'deeply problematic' episode of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' a coalition of progressive thought leaders has convened an emergency tribunal to determine if comedian Larry David will be permitted to continue making jokes.

In a cherished quadrennial tradition, the nation's leading media outlets have released their seasonal collection of surveys designed to soothe liberal anxieties before the harsh reality of Election Day.

Victory for Woke Capitalism

As sports media celebrates the NWSL's new nine-figure media deal, players reportedly find solace in their union's commitment to social justice workshops, which almost makes up for needing a second job to pay rent.