Articles

Congress Demands Civility Online After Calling Each Other Existential Threats

Lawmakers urge Americans to tone down rhetoric online immediately after accusing one another of destroying civilization before lunch. Read More.

Dead Voters Found Alive in North Carolina, Immediately Register Again

Thousands of “dead” voters discovered on rolls spark confusion, as several reportedly show up eager to vote twice—just to be safe. Read More.

Elite University Launches Degree In “Strategic Offense Detection” For Modern Workforce

New program trains students to identify hidden microaggressions in everyday life, preparing graduates for high-demand careers in professional outrage analysis. Read More.

White House Unveils New “Truth Equity” Board To Balance Reality Narratives

Officials announce a federal panel to ensure “fair representation” of facts, promising to correct reality where it disproportionately favors the wrong viewpoints. Read More.

Federal Agency Launches “Equity-Based Tax System” Where Everyone Pays What Feels Fair

New proposal replaces fixed tax rates with personal assessments, allowing citizens to contribute based on emotional readiness. Read More.

Supreme Court Considers Ruling That Constitution “Open To Creative Interpretation”

Justices reportedly explore whether the Constitution should evolve into a “living, breathing group project” reflecting modern feelings. Read More.

Media Declares New Era Of Objectivity After Successfully Agreeing With Itself

Major outlets celebrate unbiased reporting milestone after confirming their narratives align perfectly across all platforms. Read More.

Congress Proposes “Affordable Spending Act” That Accidentally Costs $9 Trillion

Lawmakers unveil new cost-cutting bill projected to save money by spending historic amounts no one plans to track. Read More.

Democrats Warn Democracy At Risk Again After Voters Continue Disagreeing

Party leaders sound alarm as citizens persist in holding incorrect opinions, urging immediate action to protect democracy from voters. Read More.

White House Assures Americans Inflation Is Transitory, Just Like Their Savings

Officials confirm inflation is “mostly psychological” as grocery bills soar, urging citizens to simply believe harder in economic recovery. Read More.

Congress Passes Emergency Bill To Investigate Why Americans Still Have Money

Lawmakers express concern over “pockets of financial resilience,” promising swift action to address remaining economic stability. Read More.

White House Unveils New “Affordable” Plan To Make Everything Priceless

Officials promise inflation relief by redefining “affordable” as a feeling, not a number, bringing emotional comfort to struggling families. Read More.

Media Declares Economy “Strong” As Americans Practice Creative Grocery Budgeting

Experts praise economic resilience while families discover innovative ways to afford eggs, including skipping meals and redefining breakfast. Read More.

Congress Approves Emergency Funding To Investigate Why Nothing Works

Lawmakers unite to allocate billions toward studying ongoing dysfunction, concluding more research is needed before any solutions are attempted. Read More.

Congress Introduces Bill Requiring Thoughts Before Posting Online, Internet Declares Emergency

Lawmakers propose radical idea that citizens must think briefly before posting, prompting widespread panic across social media platforms. Read More.