Articles

Chuck Schumer took a brave stand on Morning Joe, demanding Elon Musk apologize for his terrifying crusade against bloated government, known ominously as DOGE. Apparently, efficiency is now a war crime. Read More.

The Washington Post stuns readers by treating the plummeting fentanyl seizures as a “mystery,” baffled that drug cartels aren’t sending thank-you notes. Meanwhile, the rest of us are over here like, “Maybe it’s because the border’s not a giant welcome mat anymore?” Read More.

After Rick Santelli praised Donald Trump’s economic impact, Democrats across the country experienced spontaneous fainting spells, demanding safe spaces and government-funded tissues. Income is up, and so is progressive rage. Read More.

In a groundbreaking redefinition of biology, Michelle Obama reveals the uterus is mostly symbolic — like a Gucci handbag, but with more political significance. Read More.

President Trump’s attempt at being “Mr. Nice Guy” in trade negotiations with China has reportedly ended in betrayal, as he accuses Beijing of violating their agreement—proving once again that in international trade, nice guys finish last. Read More.

In a heartwarming moment for conservatives everywhere, Jake Tapper’s latest literary cry for help sold about three copies — two of which were accidentally ordered by his mom trying to buy cat food. Even CNN interns refused the free copies, citing “mental health concerns.” Read More.

In a meeting that economists are calling "economically educational for absolutely no one," Trump confronted Jerome Powell and demanded the Federal Reserve cut rates — or else. Powell responded by blinking twice and asking for a restraining order. Read More.

Elon Musk has stepped down from his role in the Trump administration after discovering that launching Mars missions is easier than navigating government paperwork. Sources say he also couldn’t figure out how to update the White House microwave. Read More.

Trump blasted Putin for “playing with fire,” the Kremlin blamed it on his “emotions,” and Zelensky was told to zip it. Somewhere in all this, international diplomacy became a flaming group chat. Read More.

Musk, once hailed as “First Buddy” of the Trump White House, now says D.C. is worse than a Tesla battery in January — slow, expensive, and prone to spontaneous combustion. Read More.

Biden’s staffers reportedly plotted to keep the President in office using techniques inspired by Soviet handlers and Disney animatronics. But don’t worry — it was all in the name of “saving democracy.” Read More.

Trump has decided to stop funding elite whining and start funding welders. $3 billion formerly used to produce professional protesters will now train real Americans. Read More.

President Trump, in a heroic act of economic patriotism, slapped a 50% tariff on EU goods after Brussels refused to worship American lobster exports. Brussels cried. Trump posted. Read More.

After Trump suggested foreign students without valid visas should leave, Harvard declared itself an independent global superpower—armed with tote bags and moral superiority. Read More.

Mark Carney signs on to Trump’s $175B missile defense system, mistaking it for a luxury weather balloon that identifies as "safe space." Read More.