THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF TAPPER
In a heartwarming moment for conservatives everywhere, Jake Tapper’s latest literary cry for help sold about three copies — two of which were accidentally ordered by his mom trying to buy cat food. Even CNN interns refused the free copies, citing “mental health concerns.”
PUBLISHER SUFFERS, TREES REJOICE
Sources confirm the publisher is now pulping unsold books into gluten-free mulch. “This is worse than when we printed Greta Thunberg’s karaoke lyrics,” whispered one terrified editor, requesting anonymity and a one-way ticket to Hungary.
CNN DECLARES RATINGS “DIVERSITY-ENHANCED”
As Tapper’s ratings plunge to depths unseen since the invention of electricity, CNN released a statement: “We’re proud to lead the nation in broadcasting to nearly tens of viewers.” Don Lemon reportedly sent a condolence Edible Arrangement made entirely of soy-based tears.
MOCK QUOTE FROM TAPPER HIMSELF
“I wrote the book for truth, justice, and to explain why I’m always right,” Tapper allegedly told himself in the mirror before CNN staff confiscated the microphone for safety reasons.
TRUMP RESPONDS WITH A GOLF SWING
President Trump celebrated the news with a 300-yard drive and a statement: “I didn’t read it, I didn’t buy it, and somehow I still know it’s total garbage. Jake Tapper? More like Joke Tapper!”
