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Congress Approves New “Affordable” Spending Bill Costing Only Future Civilization

Lawmakers celebrate bipartisan fiscal responsibility after passing trillion-dollar package nobody actually read completely. Read More.

Churches Introduce AI Pastors So Congregants Can Finally Sleep In

American churches embrace artificial intelligence clergy, allowing worshippers to enjoy personalized sermons without enduring human interaction. Read More.

Vatican Warns AI Could Replace Humanity, Youth Pastors Already Applying

Church leaders caution against artificial intelligence as megachurches unveil ChatGPT-powered sermons and robo-baptisms. Read More.

Pentagon Introduces “Emotionally Inclusive” Grenades For Modern Warfare

Military leaders unveil empathy-first combat tools after years of DEI training reportedly left soldiers “too judgmental.” Read More.

Congress Approves 9,000-Page Spending Bill Nobody Actually Read

Lawmakers celebrated bipartisan unity this week by funding 47 new agencies nobody can explain or locate on a map. Read More.

NPR Staff Offered Free Coding Bootcamp, Immediately Declare JavaScript “Problematic”

After taxpayer funding cuts, NPR employees reportedly demanded emotional support llamas before learning HTML in a safe environment. Read More.

Protesters Demand Universities Protect Their Right To Skip Class Professionally

Campus activists insist occupying buildings and screaming through megaphones should now count as academic credit. Read More.

Congress Debates Whether Trump’s Ballroom Needs Nuclear Launch Capability

Lawmakers argue over Trump’s billion-dollar White House ballroom while aides insist every chandelier is “strategically defensive.” Read More.

California Declares Girls’ Sports Too Offensive To Winning Girls

State leaders promise fairness after biological males continue dominating girls’ competitions across California athletics. Read More.

White House Installs Emotional Support Tariffs For Anxious Americans

Americans overwhelmed by inflation and activism now comforted by federally approved “therapeutic tariffs” on foreign stress. Read More.

White House Launches Federal Office Of National Feelings Stability

New agency will monitor Americans for emotional imbalance caused by inflation, criticism, or hearing opposing opinions online. Read More.

Congress Demands Trigger Warnings Before Reading The Constitution

Lawmakers propose emotional safety labels on founding documents after several interns reportedly suffered anxiety from the Bill of Rights. Read More.

White House Creates Emergency Task Force To Combat Dangerous Rise In Affordable Groceries

Officials reportedly alarmed after Americans begin purchasing eggs without government assistance or emotional trauma. Read More.

Congress Approves New “Fact-Checked” Bible To Combat Dangerous Independent Thought

Lawmakers unveil an updated Bible featuring government-approved interpretations to prevent “extremist scripture readings.” Read More.

FBI Reopens White House Cocaine Investigation After Powder Demands Legal Representation

Federal agents revisit the infamous White House cocaine mystery after new evidence suggests the substance may have constitutional rights. Read More.

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