Articles

Women’s Soccer League Achieves Peak Progressivism By Offering Players Stronger Hashtags Instead Of Livable Wages

Victory for Woke Capitalism

As sports media celebrates the NWSL's new nine-figure media deal, players reportedly find solace in their union's commitment to social justice workshops, which almost makes up for needing a second job to pay rent.

Journalist Awarded Pulitzer For Bravely Transcribing Zelenskyy Speech Word-For-Word

In a landmark moment for journalism, the Pulitzer Prize board has recognized a reporter for his courageous act of accurately typing out a public address. The award celebrates the new gold standard in media: uncritically repeating things the right people say.

DNC Unveils New 'Intersectional Scorecard' To Replace Primaries

WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a move to streamline the electoral process, the Democratic National Committee has announced that all future Senate candidates will be selected not by voters, but by a proprietary algorithm that ranks them on a scale of oppression.

Having Solved All Current Foreign Policy Crises, 74 Democrats Begin Auditing Previous Administration

Fresh off a string of universally-praised foreign policy successes, a group of Democratic lawmakers now has the free time to focus on what really matters: paperwork from four years ago. Read More.

Experts Confirm Measles Virus Checks Voter Registration Before Infecting

Following a recent uptick in cases in a red state, public health activists who spent the last four years in biohazard suits have suddenly remembered the existence of the MMR vaccine, lamenting that it can’t be administered via mail-in ballot.

Schumer Saves Democracy By Ensuring Taxpayers Can Still Fund His Pollsters

In a courageous defense of the status quo, Senate Democrats blocked a radical bill that would have forced politicians to pay for their own political polling instead of using your money.

Area Gender Studies Major Bravely Deconstructs Unfair Societal Expectation of Paying Rent

After four years mastering the critique of heteronormative power structures, one local graduate faces their greatest challenge yet: a landlord who insists on 'monetary compensation' for 'shelter.' Read More.

Progressive Media Finally Discovers Dangers Of Government Overreach After It Comes For Their Parent Company

After years of demanding the government dismantle every successful company, the media class is suddenly concerned about antitrust laws now that their own media conglomerates are in the crosshairs. A crisis of conscience, or just a crisis of portfolio?

NPR Vows To Continue Unbiased Reporting After Accidentally Hiring Man With Different Opinion

In a harrowing workplace incident, National Public Radio has launched an internal investigation after discovering one of its senior editors held a slightly nuanced view on a major news story from 2020.

Governor Presiding Over Open-Air Fentanyl Market Calls Trump ‘Deranged’

Governor Gavin Newsom bravely warns the nation about the dangers of Donald Trump, all while expertly managing California's transition into a vibrant, post-apocalyptic paradise.

DCCC Expands Political Fantasy League, Adds More Candidates Guaranteed To Lose Heroically

In a bold move prioritizing moral victories over actual ones, the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee has expanded its 'Red to Blue' program, ensuring more donor dollars can be bravely spent on unwinnable races. Read More.

Media Pioneers New 'Vibes-Based Polling' To Ensure All Results Align With Correct Narrative

In a breakthrough for narrative-driven journalism, leading media outlets are adopting a revolutionary polling method that prioritizes feelings over facts, ensuring a Democratic advantage in every forecast. Read More.

National Punditry Service Issues Severe Democracy Warning, Expected To Last Until Mid-November

Crisis Forecasters Confirm Threat Level Has Been Raised to 'Literally Shaking'

Just as the leaves begin their seasonal change, experts have noted the cyclical return of the nation's most predictable political climate event: the Pre-Election End of Democracy Panic.

AOC Unveils Bold 'Post-Win' Strategy By Endorsing Candidate Who Lost By 82 Points

The Political Genius of Picking Losers

In a move that has baffled Beltway insiders, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is pioneering a new form of electoral influence: the 'aspirational endorsement.' Because why back a winner when you can make a point?

Media Declares All Elections Canceled After Comedian Makes Confident Prediction On His TV Show