Articles

Johnson Announces ‘Ice Breaker’ Deal: Conservatives Thrilled To Fund ICE Only On Tuesdays

Conservatives rejoice as Mike Johnson cleverly rebrands ICE funding as “Tuesday-only exclusive,” boosting morale and concession stand sales. Read More.

Turning Point USA’s Halftime Show Still Missing Headliner, Sponsors Including ‘Random Guitarist Who Knows Someone

With less than 10 days to go, TPUSA’s All-American Halftime Show boasts no confirmed acts — but it definitely has an enthusiastic roadie named Steve. Read More.

President Announces “Board of Peace,” World Leaders Wonder If There’s A Spot For Philosophers Too

In a bold diplomatic gambit, the president launches a global peace board — mainly attended by countries whose biggest war is over tariffs. Read More.

University Adds ‘Silence’ Requirement To Free Speech Policy For Safety

Administrators say students are free to express themselves—provided they do so quietly, briefly, and with institutional approval. Read More.

University Introduces New Diversity Program Excluding Anyone Who Disagrees

School leaders celebrate inclusion by carefully filtering out students whose beliefs might make meetings uncomfortable. Read More.

Federal Government Warns Democracy At Risk Unless Bureaucrats Get More Power

Officials say liberty must be temporarily restricted, indefinitely extended, and carefully supervised to ensure Americans remain completely free. Read More.

Kristen Stewart Announces She Plans to “Shove European Films Down American Throats”

Hollywood star vows cultural invasion via arthouse cinema — Americans advised to watch cautiously. Read More.

Supreme Court Faces Its Most Terrifying Case Ever: Can Trump Dismiss Fed Official Without Permission Slip?

Justices struggle to understand if firing a Fed governor breaks the universe or just tradition — popcorn recommended. Read More.

Nation Holds First Annual Freeze-Your-Rights Celebration After Minnesota Becomes Winter Protest Theme Park

Snow, strikes, federal agents, and billion-dollar ICE budgets — finally a festival with something for everyone. Read More.

Tim Walz Declares Minnesota a “Survival Reality Show” After National Guard Becomes Official Contestants

Walz pitches reality TV concept where only the fittest survive winter, protests, and political contradictions. Read More.

Minnesota Economic Blackout Protest Declared “Day of Truth & Freedom” — People Forget to Charge Phones

In Minnesota, protestors urge citizens to stay home, not shop or work, and instead contemplate freedom while batteries drain. Read More.

Trump Announces “Board of Peace” to Mediate Global Conflicts — Including Disputes Over Socks Left in Dryer

In Davos, Trump unveils his superhero council for world peace, diplomacy, and laundry disagreements everywhere. Read More.

Massive “Free America Walkout” Protest Marks Trump Term Anniversary — Schools Wonder If It’s a Field Trip

One year into Trump’s second term, nationwide walkouts, protests, and creative signage sweep America’s streets — and at least one bus route. Read More.

Trump Announces “Golden Dome” Greenland Deal, World Wonders If It’s Real or a Snow Globe

At Davos, POTUS promises the greatest Greenland deal ever — even if no one quite remembers the terms. Read More.

Dan Bongino Discovers Deep State Was Not a Mysterious Swamp Creature, Just He Himself

After a brief FBI tenure, Bongino returns to the public eye with the shocking revelation that sometimes the monster under the bed is… you. Read More.