Articles

Local Democrats Bravely Double Down On Candidate Whose Policies Poll Best Inside Area Co-Op

In a stunning victory for principle over pragmatism, DFL voters in Minnesota's 5th District have decided the best way to win over the nation is with a candidate who terrifies its suburbs.

Hollywood Celebrities Announce They've Finally Read Their Own Job Descriptions

In a stunning, coordinated announcement, the celebrities who have served as America's moral and political compass for years have suddenly remembered their primary function is to play make-believe for a living.

Nation's Pundits Mourn Defeat Of Wisconsin Lawmaker They Just Found Out Existed

In a devastating blow to the nation's political commentary industry, Wisconsin voters have reportedly elected a candidate based on local concerns rather than on who had the best Twitter game.

Nation’s Premier Cancellation Expert Suffers Convenient Bout Of Free Speech Absolutism

In a stunning reversal, the congresswoman who pioneered modern cancellation has reportedly discovered the First Amendment after learning it might protect her viral videos. Read More.

DNC Abandons Iowa Primary In Favor Of Twitch Chat Straw Poll

In a bold move to modernize its electoral process, the Democratic party has announced it will now select its presidential nominee based on who gets the most 'PogChamps' in a nationwide Twitch stream.

Michigan's Wealthiest Precincts Overwhelmingly Vote For Candidate Most Likely To Seize Their Assets

In a stunning display of class solidarity, Michigan's wealthiest progressives have elected a true man of the people, ensuring their revolutionary ideals are represented by someone who will tax their neighbors into oblivion.

Party Leaders Assure Voters New Democratic Socialist Candidate Is Basically a Rockefeller Republican

Following a shocking primary victory, Democratic Party officials are working overtime to reassure voters that their new socialist candidate’s plan to dismantle capitalism is more of a 'long-term strategic vision' than a 'next Tuesday' kind of thing.

Fauci Aide Discovers New Scientific Principle: Fifth Amendment Protects Against Uncomfortable Data

In a stunning advancement for The Science™, a top aide to Dr. Anthony Fauci heroically demonstrated a new method for protecting settled truth: refusing to answer questions about it more than 100 times. Read More.

WNBA Coach Exhibits Unprecedented Bravery By Wearing T-Shirt Everyone Already Agrees With

Courage in Cotton

In a stunning display of defiance against a non-existent opposition, a WNBA coach wore a t-shirt with a message universally approved by every major corporation, media outlet, and academic institution.

DNC Scrambles After Realizing Entire Platform Depends On One Streamer’s Momentary Whim

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Top Democratic strategists are reportedly in a panic, realizing their entire policy agenda and electoral strategy now hinges on the ever-shifting opinions of a single political streamer broadcasting from his multi-million dollar home.

Democrats Thrilled As TMZ Arrival Promises Kardashian-Level Coverage Of Their Feelings

DC Adjusts to New Reality

Following the launch of 'TMZ on TV' in D.C., sources say progressive lawmakers are overjoyed, preparing emotional monologues and dramatic exits in hopes of finally getting the celebrity-style validation they've always craved.

Activists Propose Replacing Thanksgiving Turkey With A Single, Communally Shared Lentil

A new proposal from a Democratic Socialist chapter seeks to replace the problematic holiday with a day of solemn reflection, micro-apologies, and a potluck where dishes are judged on their carbon footprint.

Democrats Launch Task Force To Figure Out How Voters Heard Thing That Was Said On National Television

Crisis In The Capital

In a stunning development, Democratic Party leaders are scrambling after a prominent socialist activist said socialist things on a major news network, a gaffe party officials are calling 'unprecedentedly honest.' A new committee has been formed to prevent future outbreaks of transparency.

Elizabeth Warren Discovers Passion For Accurate Numbers The Moment It Becomes Politically Convenient

After the Pentagon revised casualty statistics, Sen. Warren condemned the update as an 'act of cruelty,' leaving many to wonder where this newfound concern for accurate metrics was during the inflation crisis or the Afghanistan withdrawal.

DNC Replaces 2028 Primary Voters With Advanced DEI Spreadsheet

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold move to make the presidential nomination process more fair and equitable, the Democratic National Committee has announced it will replace the 2028 primary elections with a proprietary algorithm.