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Congress Introduces Bipartisan Bill to Gerrymander Entire Solar System

Lawmakers say democracy works best when voters are carefully arranged like IKEA furniture instructions. Read More.

Democrats Demand New Election Rules After Discovering Voters Still Exist

Party leaders shocked to learn Americans continue casting ballots without first consulting MSNBC panels. Read More.

Media Warns Democracy Could Collapse If Americans Continue Enjoying Cheap Eggs

Economic analysts express alarm after falling egg prices threaten the media’s carefully curated national panic narrative. Read More.

Congress Approves $12 Billion To Study Why Americans Distrust Congress

Lawmakers celebrate bipartisan breakthrough after funding historic investigation into the mysterious collapse of public confidence. Read More.

White House Staff Reportedly Used Autopen To Sign Biden’s Lunch Orders

Republicans revive Biden autopen controversy as insiders joke the machine may have governed longer than the president himself. Read More.

Democrats Demand Tariffs Include Emotional Reparations For Imported Goods

Progressives panic after Trump tariffs return, warning higher prices could emotionally devastate Americans dependent on ethically sourced yoga pants. Read More.

Congress Approves Emergency Funding For Members Emotionally Harmed By Economy

Lawmakers approve billions in “economic healing funds” after inflation reportedly caused severe yacht-related anxiety. Read More.

Pentagon Unveils Environmentally Friendly Tanks That Stop Shooting To Reduce Carbon Footprint

Military leaders celebrate historic climate initiative ensuring future wars remain fully sustainable and emotionally inclusive. Read More.

White House Unveils New Tariff Plan To Bring Back American Toaster Factories

Economists panic after Trump promises tariffs will restore American jobs, patriotism, and possibly 1987 mall food courts. Read More.

Mark Hamill Forced To Apologize After Accidentally Revealing Hollywood’s Actual Feelings

Hollywood scrambles into damage control after actor briefly forgets celebrities are supposed to hide their political rage better. Read More.

Gavin Newsom Declares California High-Speed Rail “Ahead Of Schedule” Again

California leaders celebrate another historic milestone as the state’s unfinished train project reaches year nineteen. Read More.

White House Creates Federal Task Force To Investigate Hurt Feelings Online

Officials warn misinformation, sarcasm, and unapproved jokes now pose a serious threat to national emotional security. Read More.

Trump Ballroom Security Funding Sparks Panic Among Nation’s Folding Chair Community

Critics warn enhanced White House security could endanger democracy by making official events slightly more organized Read More.

Economists Warn Trump Tariffs Could Cause Dangerous Surge In American Manufacturing

Experts fear new tariffs may accidentally revive U.S. factories, threatening decades of peaceful overseas dependence Read More.

White House Assures Americans Economy Strong After Redefining “Strong”

Officials confirm economic confidence remains high after quietly updating the meaning of “strong” to include confusion, debt, and vibes. Read More.

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