Articles

In a groundbreaking moment for democracy, all further polling and analysis has been deemed unnecessary after one man with an HBO subscription bravely predicted an election outcome.

In a stunning display of intellectual courage, the National Book Awards has unveiled a list of finalists who exclusively hold opinions already popular in urban coffee shops and university faculty lounges.

In a triumph of modern journalism, a new NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll reveals Democrats are poised for victory, provided the electorate consists solely of their core demographics: baristas, tote bag owners, and the pollsters themselves.

Special Counsel Jack Smith's weekend attire has confirmed what we all knew: he is a deeply impartial public servant with very normal, not-at-all-politically-charged fashion choices.

After years of championing deplatforming, a prominent progressive activist has made the shocking discovery that free speech might also apply to causes she supports, a revelation causing widespread confusion and headaches.

After years of championing the creative destruction of automation for the working class, the nation's media outlets are suddenly discovering the downsides of technology now that it's coming for their keyboards.

The Woke Weather Report

Following a minor judicial setback for a new emissions rule, major news outlets have reportedly replaced traditional weather forecasts with a live feed of impending doom, now with a 100% chance of panic.

Following extensive market research, the DNC has reportedly replaced several less-than-popular policy names with the universally appealing phrase 'Protecting Our Democracy,' hoping voters won't notice the underlying product remains unchanged.

Officials at the nation’s leading hysteria-generation firms are celebrating a new speed record after a mundane state letterhead requirement was successfully branded 'a chilling assault on the very concept of freedom' before most staffers had finished their morning coffee.

The nation’s leading hysteria analysts have issued a dire new forecast, upgrading a Republican proposal to streamline government paperwork from a Category 3 ‘Problematic Squall’ to a Category 5 ‘Democracy-Ending Hypercane.’

WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a bold move to solve the economy, climate change, and boring television, the Democratic Women's Caucus unveiled its new policy agenda Tuesday. The plan focuses on key voter concerns like the underrepresentation of non-binary characters in breakfast cereal mascots.

In a bold move to protect democratic norms, Senate Democrats are reportedly concerned that foreign interference lacks the nuance and subtlety of their own sophisticated, domestically-sourced efforts to guide electoral outcomes.

Following recent internal feedback, sources claim National Public Radio has developed a sophisticated new metric to ensure all campus coverage properly aligns with pre-approved narratives, saving journalists valuable time.

In a stunning display of principle, Democratic leaders have condemned the use of official resources for political ends, just moments before approving a new line of government-issued stationery watermarked with their own faces.

OAK VALLEY, CA

A local school district that prided itself on outsourcing all critical thought to 'The Experts' was thrown into chaos this week upon the shocking discovery that experts sometimes disagree with one another.