Articles

U.S. Military Deploys Robot Boats, Pentagon Promises They’re Emotionally Supportive

New autonomous sea drones enter combat, with officials assuring the public the machines are both lethal and deeply affirming of diverse identities. Read More.

Senate Funds Everything Except Border, Declares Crisis “Emotionally Resolved”

Lawmakers celebrate funding victory after excluding immigration enforcement, insisting the border crisis has been successfully redefined out of existence. Read More.

Congress Celebrates Bipartisan Breakthrough: Doing Nothing Together More Efficiently

Lawmakers applaud historic cooperation after successfully avoiding action on multiple crises with unprecedented unity. Read More.

White House Assures Nation Border Is Secure, Just “Very Welcoming”

Officials clarify ongoing migrant surge is proof of system working, not failing, as crossings reach “record inclusivity levels.” Read More.

Canada Expands Healthcare Options to Include ‘Have You Tried Dying?’

Canadian healthcare broadens patient choices by offering euthanasia for minor conditions, citing efficiency and reduced wait times. Read More.

Congress Considers Funding Government After Realizing It Actually Exists

After briefly forgetting the government was real, Congress debates funding it again, citing inconvenience of citizens noticing its absence. Read More.

Media Outlets Praise Themselves for Unbiased Coverage of Stories They Agree With

Journalists celebrate commitment to objectivity by consistently confirming their own viewpoints with remarkable accuracy and consistency. Read More.

Democrats Warn Climate Change Now Causing Sudden Outbreak of Wrong Opinions

Lawmakers link rising global temperatures to surge in “unauthorized thoughts,” propose sweeping regulations to cool both planet and public discourse. Read More.

Climate Experts Propose Ban on Weather After Unexpected Snowstorm Appears

Officials push bold new plan to eliminate unpredictable weather entirely after nature refuses to follow approved climate messaging Read More.

Democrats Warn Democracy in Danger After Voters Start Voting Wrong

Party leaders express grave concern as citizens continue exercising democracy incorrectly, prompting urgent calls for “guided voting solutions.” Read More.

Google Urged to Explain Why Search Results Still Occasionally Show Reality

Lawmakers demand answers after reports that Google briefly displayed non-approved viewpoints, sparking fears of accidental balance. Read More.

Democrats Heroically Fight Deportation of Criminals to Protect Diversity

Lawmakers boldly defend keeping violent illegal immigrants in America, insisting deportation would harm the nation’s “rich cultural tapestry.” Read More.

University Introduces ‘Silence Studies’ Major So Students Can Finally Say Nothing

New degree program empowers students to communicate through silence, reducing harmful speech while increasing tuition dramatically. Read More.

Federal Workers Demand Remote Work Extended to After Retirement

Bureaucrats push bold new proposal allowing them to continue working remotely long after they’ve stopped working entirely. Read More.

University Introduces “Pre-Offense Counseling” To Prevent Future Wrongthink

Students now receive counseling before forming controversial opinions, ensuring campuses remain safe from dangerous, unapproved thoughts. Read More.