Articles

State Removes Christmas To Promote Diversity Of Government Labels

Officials replace holiday names with generic terms, ensuring everyone feels equally confused about what they're celebrating. Read More.

Minnesota Schools Replace Holidays With Seasonal Mystery Events

Officials replace Christmas and Easter with generic breaks to create a calendar so inclusive that nobody remembers what anything celebrates. Read More.

Department of Education Replaced by Nationwide Group Project Nobody Wanted

Officials say eliminating bureaucracy will improve schools by expanding the one educational experience Americans fear most. Read More.

FEMA Warns Americans to Pack Emergency Pronouns Before Hurricane Season

New preparedness guide urges residents to secure identity accessories first, then consider food, water, and other outdated survival items. Read More.

Hillary Discovers Time Machine, Warns Biden Not To Run

Former Secretary of State shocks America by reaching a conclusion roughly two years after everyone else Read More.

Border Crisis Solved After Bureaucrats Rename It “Welcome Opportunity”

Officials announce immigration challenges have disappeared entirely after changing the terminology in a groundbreaking paperwork breakthrough. Read More.

DoorDash Employees Finally Allowed To Donate Without Permission

Workers celebrate newfound freedom after company removes a controversial charity blacklist and discovers adults can make choices. Read More.

California Extends Election Day Until Everyone Feels Included

State officials unveil a more compassionate election process where ballots are counted until every voter, volunteer, and emotional support ferret feels seen. Read More.

White House Replaced With Octagon To Better Reflect American Politics

Following a historic UFC event on the White House lawn, officials decide the Octagon is now the most accurate symbol of Washington. Read More.

Democrats Demand Federal Ban on Excessive National Enjoyment

After Americans appeared suspiciously happy during a patriotic weekend, lawmakers move to regulate dangerous levels of public enthusiasm. Read More.

White House Announces Iran Peace Deal Is Only 37 Announcements Away

Officials assure Americans that peace with Iran is imminent for the 28th consecutive time this year. Read More.

Washington Replaces Intelligence Experts With Guy Who Once Read Email

After years of complaints about unelected bureaucrats, officials unveil a bold new plan: appoint someone who once successfully reset a Wi-Fi router. Read More.

Congress Demands More Surveillance To Monitor Excessive Government Surveillance

Lawmakers propose creating oversight committees to oversee oversight committees overseeing other oversight committees. Read More.

New York Launches Medicaid Premium Plan For Imaginary Problems

City leaders unveil ambitious new program funding identity upgrades, emotional maintenance, and emergency reality avoidance services. Read More.

Democrats Demand Safer Streets Immediately After Opposing Everything That Makes Streets Safe

Party leaders unveil bold new plan to restore public order without police, arrests, consequences, or anyone feeling uncomfortable. Read More.