Articles

Lawmakers celebrated bipartisan unity this week by funding 47 new agencies nobody can explain or locate on a map. Read More.

After taxpayer funding cuts, NPR employees reportedly demanded emotional support llamas before learning HTML in a safe environment. Read More.

Campus activists insist occupying buildings and screaming through megaphones should now count as academic credit. Read More.

Lawmakers argue over Trump’s billion-dollar White House ballroom while aides insist every chandelier is “strategically defensive.” Read More.

State leaders promise fairness after biological males continue dominating girls’ competitions across California athletics. Read More.

Americans overwhelmed by inflation and activism now comforted by federally approved “therapeutic tariffs” on foreign stress. Read More.

New agency will monitor Americans for emotional imbalance caused by inflation, criticism, or hearing opposing opinions online. Read More.

Lawmakers propose emotional safety labels on founding documents after several interns reportedly suffered anxiety from the Bill of Rights. Read More.

Officials reportedly alarmed after Americans begin purchasing eggs without government assistance or emotional trauma. Read More.

Lawmakers unveil an updated Bible featuring government-approved interpretations to prevent “extremist scripture readings.” Read More.

Federal agents revisit the infamous White House cocaine mystery after new evidence suggests the substance may have constitutional rights. Read More.

President Trump leaves Beijing with trade promises, a ceremonial panda, and three new tariffs on countries that hurt his feelings. Read More.

Lawmakers say democracy works best when voters are carefully arranged like IKEA furniture instructions. Read More.

Party leaders shocked to learn Americans continue casting ballots without first consulting MSNBC panels. Read More.

Economic analysts express alarm after falling egg prices threaten the media’s carefully curated national panic narrative. Read More.

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