Articles

DNC Replaces 2028 Primary Voters With Advanced DEI Spreadsheet

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold move to make the presidential nomination process more fair and equitable, the Democratic National Committee has announced it will replace the 2028 primary elections with a proprietary algorithm.

Fauci Memoir Reveals Pandemic's Toughest Choice Was Between A CNN Town Hall And MSNBC Special

Newly released excerpts from Dr. Anthony Fauci's memoir reportedly show the nation's top doctor was less concerned with viral spread and more with his Nielsen ratings.

Corporations Stumble Upon Radical New Strategy Of Hiring Competent Employees

In a stunning development, corporations are finding that prioritizing skills and experience in hiring has led to unexpected business outcomes, leaving DEI consultants scrambling for answers. Read More.

Journalists Awarded Medals Of Valor For Courageously Ignoring Biden Tapes

In a stunning display of journalistic integrity, major news networks have decided the real story isn't what President Biden said on tape, but how brave they are for not reporting on it. Read More.

Media Agrees To Judge Gavin Newsom By Content Of His Character, Just As Soon As They Finish Admiring His Jawline

In a stunning display of situational ethics, the nation's political media has heroically decided a politician's personal life is once again a private matter, at least for the next few news cycles, following new details about Gavin Newsom's past affair.

Local School District Rejects Perfectly Unbiased Robot Teacher, Opts For Flawed Human Educators Instead

In a shocking blow to educational progress, a New York school district has caved to reactionary parents, canceling a pilot program that would have replaced biased, error-prone humans with a state-of-the-art AI instructor.

Democrats To Shelve 'Democracy' As Campaign Theme After Polls Show Voters More Concerned With Ability To Buy Eggs

In a stunning strategic pivot, Democratic consultants have reportedly discovered that average Americans are more worried about grocery bills than abstract civics concepts, forcing a frantic, last-minute messaging overhaul.

Man Who Was The Science Suddenly Develops Rare Form Of Testimony-Induced Amnesia

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the former high priest of public health, appeared before Congress only to reveal he's suffering from a convenient inability to remember any of the key events he presided over.

Fauci’s Old Notebook Added To National Museum Under ‘Historical Fiction’ Display

Newly discussed pandemic notes inspire a museum exhibit where hindsight receives its own government-funded wing. Read More.

Pentagon Introduces ‘Indoor Outdoor War’ So Everyone Can Feel Included

Officials unveil a revolutionary conflict strategy where military action pauses every time someone requests a diplomatic timeout. Read More.

Hollywood Declares Homer's Odyssey Too Offensive for Modern Heroic Journeys

Director worries Homer's ending may offend modern audiences, inspiring studios to replace ancient epics with emotionally safer adventures. Read More.

Poll Finds Americans Support Voter ID, Democracy Immediately Files Complaint

New poll shows broad support for voter ID, prompting democracy experts to warn that elections may become dangerously understandable. Read More.

AI Promises More Human Connection, Immediately Schedules Everyone for Another Zoom Meeting

Tech leaders promise artificial intelligence will strengthen human relationships by replacing nearly all of them with automated notifications. Read More.

White House Unveils Tariff Calculator That Charges Foreign Goods Emotional Damages

New trade policy reportedly includes a calculator that bills imports for hurting America's feelings before customs even opens the box. Read More.

Congress Introduces Emergency Bill Funding Another Committee to Study Committees

Washington bravely tackles bureaucracy by creating fresh bureaucracy to investigate existing bureaucracy. Read More.