Articles

Area Gender Studies Major Bravely Deconstructs Unfair Societal Expectation of Paying Rent

After four years mastering the critique of heteronormative power structures, one local graduate faces their greatest challenge yet: a landlord who insists on 'monetary compensation' for 'shelter.' Read More.

Progressive Media Finally Discovers Dangers Of Government Overreach After It Comes For Their Parent Company

After years of demanding the government dismantle every successful company, the media class is suddenly concerned about antitrust laws now that their own media conglomerates are in the crosshairs. A crisis of conscience, or just a crisis of portfolio?

NPR Vows To Continue Unbiased Reporting After Accidentally Hiring Man With Different Opinion

In a harrowing workplace incident, National Public Radio has launched an internal investigation after discovering one of its senior editors held a slightly nuanced view on a major news story from 2020.

Governor Presiding Over Open-Air Fentanyl Market Calls Trump ‘Deranged’

Governor Gavin Newsom bravely warns the nation about the dangers of Donald Trump, all while expertly managing California's transition into a vibrant, post-apocalyptic paradise.

DCCC Expands Political Fantasy League, Adds More Candidates Guaranteed To Lose Heroically

In a bold move prioritizing moral victories over actual ones, the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee has expanded its 'Red to Blue' program, ensuring more donor dollars can be bravely spent on unwinnable races. Read More.

Media Pioneers New 'Vibes-Based Polling' To Ensure All Results Align With Correct Narrative

In a breakthrough for narrative-driven journalism, leading media outlets are adopting a revolutionary polling method that prioritizes feelings over facts, ensuring a Democratic advantage in every forecast. Read More.

National Punditry Service Issues Severe Democracy Warning, Expected To Last Until Mid-November

Crisis Forecasters Confirm Threat Level Has Been Raised to 'Literally Shaking'

Just as the leaves begin their seasonal change, experts have noted the cyclical return of the nation's most predictable political climate event: the Pre-Election End of Democracy Panic.

AOC Unveils Bold 'Post-Win' Strategy By Endorsing Candidate Who Lost By 82 Points

The Political Genius of Picking Losers

In a move that has baffled Beltway insiders, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is pioneering a new form of electoral influence: the 'aspirational endorsement.' Because why back a winner when you can make a point?

Media Declares All Elections Canceled After Comedian Makes Confident Prediction On His TV Show

In a groundbreaking moment for democracy, all further polling and analysis has been deemed unnecessary after one man with an HBO subscription bravely predicted an election outcome.

National Book Awards Committee Bravely Nominates Five Books Already Approved By Their Social Circle

In a stunning display of intellectual courage, the National Book Awards has unveiled a list of finalists who exclusively hold opinions already popular in urban coffee shops and university faculty lounges.

NPR Poll Finds Democrats Have Commanding Lead Among People Currently Listening To NPR

In a triumph of modern journalism, a new NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll reveals Democrats are poised for victory, provided the electorate consists solely of their core demographics: baristas, tote bag owners, and the pollsters themselves.

DOJ Confirms Jack Smith's 'No Kings' Shirt Just A Passionate Stance On British Monarchy

Special Counsel Jack Smith's weekend attire has confirmed what we all knew: he is a deeply impartial public servant with very normal, not-at-all-politically-charged fashion choices.

Leading Cancel Culture Advocate Now Defending Speech She Disagrees With, Reports Severe Migraines

After years of championing deplatforming, a prominent progressive activist has made the shocking discovery that free speech might also apply to causes she supports, a revelation causing widespread confusion and headaches.

Journalists Who Told Coal Miners To 'Learn To Code' Now Demanding AI 'Learn To Be Ethical

After years of championing the creative destruction of automation for the working class, the nation's media outlets are suddenly discovering the downsides of technology now that it's coming for their keyboards.

Media Replaces Weather Forecast With 24/7 Existential Climate Dread Ticker

The Woke Weather Report

Following a minor judicial setback for a new emissions rule, major news outlets have reportedly replaced traditional weather forecasts with a live feed of impending doom, now with a 100% chance of panic.