Articles

Democrats Demand DNA Test After Racism Accusation Backfires Spectacularly

Lawmakers shocked to discover the man they accused of racism belongs to the very minority group they were attempting to defend. Read More.

Senate Hearing Replaced With Footwear Review After Running Out Of Arguments

Foreign policy hearing devolves into shoe commentary as lawmakers discover discussing actual policy requires preparation. Read More.

Primary Voters Demand Candidates Promise To Fix Problems They Created

Election season begins as candidates campaign aggressively against conditions produced by policies they previously supported. Read More.

NFL Announces Teams Must Earn Pride Month Through Performance Metrics

League unveils new diversity-based playoff system where teams earn Pride Month participation only after meeting inclusion efficiency standards. Read More.

Toronto Renames Square Again After Learning Geography Exists

Toronto officials were stunned to discover the culture they celebrated doesn't actually share their politics, triggering an emergency renaming summit. Read More.

Seattle's Smart Toilets Demand Reparations After Meeting Public

Seattle's $116,000 smart toilets lasted weeks before vandals struck, prompting city leaders to conclude the real problem is insufficient emotional support. Read More.

California Awards Girls’ Track Titles To Whoever Feels Fastest Today

State officials unveil bold new fairness model allowing athletes to identify as winners before competitions even begin. Read More.

Congress Proposes Menstrual Leave, Emotional Recovery Days, And Grief Week For Mondays

Lawmakers push new workplace protections ensuring Americans never again face the trauma of uninterrupted employment. Read More.

Congress Creates New Agency To Investigate Why Government Keeps Growing

Lawmakers launch a $14 billion federal office dedicated to discovering why federal agencies never stop multiplying. Read More.

Homeland Security Launches “Aliens.gov” After Americans Admit They’d Trust E.T. More Than Congress

New federal website tracks illegal aliens while Americans quietly admit extraterrestrials seem more trustworthy than elected officials. Read More.

Congress Demands Warning Labels On Fireworks Before America’s 250th Birthday

Description: Lawmakers propose trauma-sensitive fireworks rules after activists claim loud explosions could “marginalize emotionally vulnerable listeners.” Read More.

White House Introduces “Emotionally Sustainable” Power Grid For AI Servers

Federal officials unveil a new “feelings-first” energy plan ensuring AI data centers operate without harming activists emotionally. Read More.

Vatican Warns AI Could Replace Humanity, Congress Immediately Orders More AI

After the Pope cautions against AI domination, Washington responds by asking ChatGPT to draft the federal budget. Read More.

California Launches Emotional Support Referee Program For Men’s High School Sports

California officials unveil “inclusive referees” trained to affirm biological reality only when absolutely necessary. Read More.

Congress Approves New “Affordable” Spending Bill Costing Only Future Civilization

Lawmakers celebrate bipartisan fiscal responsibility after passing trillion-dollar package nobody actually read completely. Read More.