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In a bold move to tackle rising inflation, the administration has announced a new strategy: feeling really, really bad about it on your behalf.

In a bold move to streamline democracy, the Democratic party has reportedly replaced policy debates with a point-based system of intersectional identities, with the recent Maryland Senate primary serving as the pilot program.

A progressive think tank is reportedly baffled after its latest study found that average Americans are reluctant to embrace policies that make their lives more expensive and difficult.

Following another high-profile primary defeat, leaders of the progressive movement have declared the loss a 'strategic reallocation of victory points' and are confident their message is resonating more than ever.

Following midterm election results, leading media outlets have downgraded the threat to American democracy from 'Imminent Collapse' to 'Severe Existential Crisis,' sources confirm.

In a bold move to streamline election coverage and reduce listener anxiety, National Public Radio will reportedly begin pre-reporting Democratic wins to more accurately reflect the desired outcome.

In a move set to revolutionize campaign seasons, a leading progressive think tank has declared that any form of political scrutiny, from policy questions to voting record analysis, can now be officially classified as Islamophobia.

In a stunning display of technological and moral superiority, President Biden was supported by a previously unknown 'invisible chair' during a moment of solemnity in Normandy, a feat media experts are calling a 'triumph of empathetic engineering.' Republicans, meanwhile, were criticized for their reliance on visible, corporeal chairs.

After losing his primary by a staggering margin, a local progressive candidate has declared the outcome a 'monumental success' in the long-term project of teaching voters what they should want.

The once-pioneering ethical retailer has ceased US operations, leaving a gaping hole in the market for overpriced lotion sold with a side of self-righteousness.

In a bold new strategy, Democratic strategists have reportedly allocated billions in midterm spending to a nationwide campaign aimed at persuading voters that their economic hardships are merely a perception issue.

'No Kings' Protest Fizzles

A much-anticipated protest against theoretical tyranny was reportedly smaller than the line at a local artisanal donut shop, forcing organizers to reconsider their revolutionary strategy.

In the face of polling data that would traditionally signal electoral doom, top media analysts have bravely concluded that numbers are an outdated metric for measuring success and that the 'narrative trajectory' indicates a landslide victory for the left.

After years of rigorous self-reflection, the nation's top pollsters have unveiled a new, foolproof methodology designed to prevent the electoral surprises of the past by simply adjusting for outcomes that cause anxiety.

Breaking News

In a stunning display of economic forensics, Senator Elizabeth Warren has identified the single culprit behind rising restaurant prices: corporate greed. Other factors, such as inflation and wage mandates, were reportedly unavailable for comment.