Articles

Media Declares Economy “Strong” As Americans Practice Creative Grocery Budgeting

Experts praise economic resilience while families discover innovative ways to afford eggs, including skipping meals and redefining breakfast. Read More.

Congress Approves Emergency Funding To Investigate Why Nothing Works

Lawmakers unite to allocate billions toward studying ongoing dysfunction, concluding more research is needed before any solutions are attempted. Read More.

Congress Introduces Bill Requiring Thoughts Before Posting Online, Internet Declares Emergency

Lawmakers propose radical idea that citizens must think briefly before posting, prompting widespread panic across social media platforms. Read More.

Democrats Propose ‘Equity Tax’ Where You Pay More If You Smile Too Much

Lawmakers unveil bold plan targeting “emotional privilege,” arguing happiness gaps are the latest form of inequality needing federal correction. Read More.

Congress Unveils Plan To Fix Economy By Printing Confidence Instead Of Money

Lawmakers propose boosting economy through “emotional currency,” assuring Americans belief—not dollars—will restore financial stability. Read More.

White House Assures Americans Inflation Is Down, Groceries Just “Emotionally Expensive”

Officials clarify rising food costs are a “perception issue,” urging Americans to adjust expectations—and possibly skip eggs for emotional stability. Read More.

Major University Replaces History Department With Feelings Studies Program

Elite college announces bold shift from facts to emotions, promising students a safer, more inclusive understanding of the past. Read More.

White House Unveils New Plan To Define Reality By Committee Vote

Administration announces bold initiative allowing federally approved panels to determine truth, sparking nationwide confusion and polite applause. Read More.

Elite Universities Introduce New Math Standard Where 2+2 Equals “Depends”

Top colleges adopt inclusive math framework, teaching students that answers are subjective experiences rather than fixed truths. Read More.

White House Introduces New Border Strategy: Simply Stop Calling It A Border

Officials unveil plan to ease crisis by rebranding border as a “transitional freedom zone,” reducing pressure through creative terminology. Read More.

University Introduces “Offense-Free” Curriculum Where Nothing Is Taught At All

To ensure no student is ever offended, administrators unveil groundbreaking program eliminating all potentially controversial ideas. Read More.

White House Unveils New Plan To Fix Inflation By Redefining “Expensive”

Administration announces bold economic strategy: if everything is expensive, nothing is. Economists reportedly “adjusting expectations.” Read More.

Congress Demands Civility While Screaming About Lack of Civility Again

Lawmakers unite to condemn toxic rhetoric by delivering increasingly louder and more theatrical denunciations of each other. Read More.

Trump Announces Iran Ceasefire, Media Immediately Misses War Instead

With peace breaking out overseas, journalists scramble to recover lost outrage while experts warn stability could devastate cable news ratings. Read More.

Climate Activists Demand Sun Reduce Output To Combat Global Warming Crisis

Environmental leaders call on the sun to lower emissions immediately, warning continued brightness threatens planetary equity goals. Read More.