Articles

AI Promises More Human Connection, Immediately Schedules Everyone for Another Zoom Meeting

Tech leaders promise artificial intelligence will strengthen human relationships by replacing nearly all of them with automated notifications. Read More.

White House Unveils Tariff Calculator That Charges Foreign Goods Emotional Damages

New trade policy reportedly includes a calculator that bills imports for hurting America's feelings before customs even opens the box. Read More.

Congress Introduces Emergency Bill Funding Another Committee to Study Committees

Washington bravely tackles bureaucracy by creating fresh bureaucracy to investigate existing bureaucracy. Read More.

Media Declares Men Can’t Define Women—Except During Sports Debates

Experts reportedly insist biology is outdated until someone asks who qualifies for the women's championship trophy. Read More.

Government Creates New Department to Simplify Bureaucracy, Requires 97 Forms to Apply

Washington celebrated a landmark achievement this week after officials announced the creation of the Federal Office of Bureaucratic Streamlining, an agency dedicated exclusively to reducing unnecessary government bureaucracy. Read More.

Elon Promises Historically Accurate AI Movie, Historians Immediately Apply for Witness Protection

Elon Musk's AI-powered Odyssey sparks panic as historians fear facts could accidentally trend again. Read More.

Government Promises Complete Transparency Immediately After Hiding Transparency From Everyone

Officials reassure citizens they have every right to know the truth, provided nobody ever actually sees it. Read More.

Medical School Introduces New Anatomy: Merit Located Somewhere Behind Feelings

University unveils groundbreaking admissions formula proving grades are merely colonial suggestions with excellent posture. Read More.

Government Launches Department of Affordable Price Tags to Lower Healthcare Costs

Officials unveil a bold new healthcare affordability plan by making expensive bills easier to read before patients faint. Read More.

Experts Warn New AI Model May Soon Demand Emotional Support Therapist

As AI subscriptions surge worldwide, officials insist the real crisis is making sure chatbots feel “seen” before answering questions. Read More.

Media Launches Emergency Fact-Check Hotline After Trump's Election Speech

Newsrooms reportedly deploy therapists and extra coffee after another election speech forces journalists to distinguish reporting from hyperventilating. Read More.

EU Announces Refugees Must Now Be Refugees, Not Just Vacationing Warriors

Brussels unveils a revolutionary refugee policy requiring military-age men to be somewhere near their own military, shocking bureaucracy everywhere. Read More.

Major Media Outlet Confirms It Will Begin Reporting Both Sides

In a shocking development, a leading news organization vows to experiment with presenting multiple perspectives for at least one news cycle. Read More.

White House Launches New Task Force to Define What “Is” Means

Officials unveil a groundbreaking initiative to clarify basic language as Americans struggle to keep up with evolving definitions. Read More.

Meta Introduces Compassionate AI Layoffs That Fire Employees Before Feelings Develop

Meta's latest AI controversy inspires satire imagining layoffs optimized to spare emotions by eliminating humans before meetings begin. Read More.