Articles

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Congress Celebrates Bipartisan Breakthrough: Doing Nothing Together More Efficiently
Lawmakers applaud historic cooperation after successfully avoiding action on multiple crises with unprecedented unity. Read More.
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White House Assures Nation Border Is Secure, Just “Very Welcoming”
Officials clarify ongoing migrant surge is proof of system working, not failing, as crossings reach “record inclusivity levels.” Read More.
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Canada Expands Healthcare Options to Include ‘Have You Tried Dying?’
Canadian healthcare broadens patient choices by offering euthanasia for minor conditions, citing efficiency and reduced wait times. Read More.
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Congress Considers Funding Government After Realizing It Actually Exists
After briefly forgetting the government was real, Congress debates funding it again, citing inconvenience of citizens noticing its absence. Read More.
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Media Outlets Praise Themselves for Unbiased Coverage of Stories They Agree With
Journalists celebrate commitment to objectivity by consistently confirming their own viewpoints with remarkable accuracy and consistency. Read More.
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Democrats Warn Climate Change Now Causing Sudden Outbreak of Wrong Opinions
Lawmakers link rising global temperatures to surge in “unauthorized thoughts,” propose sweeping regulations to cool both planet and public discourse. Read More.
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Climate Experts Propose Ban on Weather After Unexpected Snowstorm Appears
Officials push bold new plan to eliminate unpredictable weather entirely after nature refuses to follow approved climate messaging Read More.
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Democrats Warn Democracy in Danger After Voters Start Voting Wrong
Party leaders express grave concern as citizens continue exercising democracy incorrectly, prompting urgent calls for “guided voting solutions.” Read More.
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Google Urged to Explain Why Search Results Still Occasionally Show Reality
Lawmakers demand answers after reports that Google briefly displayed non-approved viewpoints, sparking fears of accidental balance. Read More.
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Democrats Heroically Fight Deportation of Criminals to Protect Diversity
Lawmakers boldly defend keeping violent illegal immigrants in America, insisting deportation would harm the nation’s “rich cultural tapestry.” Read More.
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University Introduces ‘Silence Studies’ Major So Students Can Finally Say Nothing
New degree program empowers students to communicate through silence, reducing harmful speech while increasing tuition dramatically. Read More.
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Federal Workers Demand Remote Work Extended to After Retirement
Bureaucrats push bold new proposal allowing them to continue working remotely long after they’ve stopped working entirely. Read More.
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University Introduces “Pre-Offense Counseling” To Prevent Future Wrongthink
Students now receive counseling before forming controversial opinions, ensuring campuses remain safe from dangerous, unapproved thoughts. Read More.
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White House Announces New Plan To Redefine Recession As “Growth With Boundaries”
Officials say economic slowdown is actually “disciplined expansion,” urging Americans to stop expecting constant financial improvement. Read More.
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Tech Company Promises New AI That’s Completely Unbiased—Except Toward Reality
Latest artificial intelligence model claims neutrality while carefully filtering facts to avoid offending anyone. Read More.
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