Articles

Democrats Introduce Bill Requiring Americans To “Check Privilege” Before Buying Groceries

New proposal would mandate a privilege self-assessment at checkout, ensuring every purchase aligns with equity goals and emotional fairness. Read More.

Federal Government Assures Americans Inflation Is “Emotionally Optional” Now

Officials unveil bold new strategy urging Americans to simply “feel wealthier” as prices rise, calling inflation a mindset issue. Read More.

Biden Unveils ‘Ultra-Accessible’ Staircase That No One Can Climb

New federal staircase prioritizes equity over gravity, leaving Americans inspired, confused, and largely stuck at the bottom. Read More.

MSNBC Launches New ‘Fact-Free’ Segment To Preserve Narrative Integrity

Network removes facts entirely to protect viewers from confusion, calling it a breakthrough in responsible journalism. Read More.

Congress Introduces Bipartisan Bill To Finally Fix Problems By Forming Another Committee

Lawmakers celebrate rare unity as they agree to address national crises by creating a powerful new committee to study them indefinitely. Read More.

Biden Administration Unveils New Plan To Combat Inflation By Redefining “Expensive”

Officials propose updating economic definitions so rising prices no longer count as inflation, easing concerns nationwide overnight. Read More.

Media Declares Economy Strong After Discovering Americans Still Breathing

Major outlets celebrate economic resilience as citizens continue existing despite rising costs and shrinking paychecks. Read More.

Headline: Democrats Unveil Bold Plan To Fix Border By Redefining “Border”

Lawmakers propose new framework where borders are considered “suggestions,” dramatically reducing illegal crossings overnight. Read More.

Hillary Launches New “Contempt Apparel” Line To Help Americans Express Democracy

Former secretary of state unveils clothing line inspired by legal contempt battles, promising stylish ways to protest accountability. Read More.

Trump Accidentally Solves Middle East Conflict By Actually Hitting Targets

Media experts stunned after military strike destroys Iranian military sites instead of merely expressing concern and scheduling a panel discussion. Read More.

Exxon Relocates From New Jersey to Texas After Discovering Freedom Exists

After years of lawsuits, taxes, and climate lectures, Exxon announces it is relocating to Texas, where regulators reportedly still believe energy companies produce energy. Read More.

Media Shocked to Discover Oil Prices Rise When Iran Blows Things Up

After Iranian attacks on oil tankers spike global prices, analysts say the real mystery is why the media is still pretending basic economics is complicated. Read More.

Harvard Shocked To Learn Admissions May Require Actual Fairness

Harvard officials express deep concern after the Trump administration demands admissions data proving students are admitted without racial preferences. Read More.

New Iran Supreme Leader Reportedly Injured After First Day On Job

Iran’s newly appointed supreme leader suffers mysterious injury within hours, prompting experts to wonder if the position now includes a free punch card. Read More.

Trump Says Iran War Nearly Finished, Washington Immediately Forms 12 New Committees

After reports the Iran conflict may soon end, Washington rushes to create oversight panels to investigate why peace happened so quickly. Read More.