Articles

Media Agrees To Judge Gavin Newsom By Content Of His Character, Just As Soon As They Finish Admiring His Jawline

In a stunning display of situational ethics, the nation's political media has heroically decided a politician's personal life is once again a private matter, at least for the next few news cycles, following new details about Gavin Newsom's past affair.

Local School District Rejects Perfectly Unbiased Robot Teacher, Opts For Flawed Human Educators Instead

In a shocking blow to educational progress, a New York school district has caved to reactionary parents, canceling a pilot program that would have replaced biased, error-prone humans with a state-of-the-art AI instructor.

Democrats To Shelve 'Democracy' As Campaign Theme After Polls Show Voters More Concerned With Ability To Buy Eggs

In a stunning strategic pivot, Democratic consultants have reportedly discovered that average Americans are more worried about grocery bills than abstract civics concepts, forcing a frantic, last-minute messaging overhaul.

Man Who Was The Science Suddenly Develops Rare Form Of Testimony-Induced Amnesia

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the former high priest of public health, appeared before Congress only to reveal he's suffering from a convenient inability to remember any of the key events he presided over.

Fauci’s Old Notebook Added To National Museum Under ‘Historical Fiction’ Display

Newly discussed pandemic notes inspire a museum exhibit where hindsight receives its own government-funded wing. Read More.

Pentagon Introduces ‘Indoor Outdoor War’ So Everyone Can Feel Included

Officials unveil a revolutionary conflict strategy where military action pauses every time someone requests a diplomatic timeout. Read More.

Hollywood Declares Homer's Odyssey Too Offensive for Modern Heroic Journeys

Director worries Homer's ending may offend modern audiences, inspiring studios to replace ancient epics with emotionally safer adventures. Read More.

Poll Finds Americans Support Voter ID, Democracy Immediately Files Complaint

New poll shows broad support for voter ID, prompting democracy experts to warn that elections may become dangerously understandable. Read More.

AI Promises More Human Connection, Immediately Schedules Everyone for Another Zoom Meeting

Tech leaders promise artificial intelligence will strengthen human relationships by replacing nearly all of them with automated notifications. Read More.

White House Unveils Tariff Calculator That Charges Foreign Goods Emotional Damages

New trade policy reportedly includes a calculator that bills imports for hurting America's feelings before customs even opens the box. Read More.

Congress Introduces Emergency Bill Funding Another Committee to Study Committees

Washington bravely tackles bureaucracy by creating fresh bureaucracy to investigate existing bureaucracy. Read More.

Media Declares Men Can’t Define Women—Except During Sports Debates

Experts reportedly insist biology is outdated until someone asks who qualifies for the women's championship trophy. Read More.

Government Creates New Department to Simplify Bureaucracy, Requires 97 Forms to Apply

Washington celebrated a landmark achievement this week after officials announced the creation of the Federal Office of Bureaucratic Streamlining, an agency dedicated exclusively to reducing unnecessary government bureaucracy. Read More.

Elon Promises Historically Accurate AI Movie, Historians Immediately Apply for Witness Protection

Elon Musk's AI-powered Odyssey sparks panic as historians fear facts could accidentally trend again. Read More.

Government Promises Complete Transparency Immediately After Hiding Transparency From Everyone

Officials reassure citizens they have every right to know the truth, provided nobody ever actually sees it. Read More.