Articles

University Introduces “Offense-Free” Curriculum Where Nothing Is Taught At All

To ensure no student is ever offended, administrators unveil groundbreaking program eliminating all potentially controversial ideas. Read More.

White House Unveils New Plan To Fix Inflation By Redefining “Expensive”

Administration announces bold economic strategy: if everything is expensive, nothing is. Economists reportedly “adjusting expectations.” Read More.

Congress Demands Civility While Screaming About Lack of Civility Again

Lawmakers unite to condemn toxic rhetoric by delivering increasingly louder and more theatrical denunciations of each other. Read More.

Trump Announces Iran Ceasefire, Media Immediately Misses War Instead

With peace breaking out overseas, journalists scramble to recover lost outrage while experts warn stability could devastate cable news ratings. Read More.

Climate Activists Demand Sun Reduce Output To Combat Global Warming Crisis

Environmental leaders call on the sun to lower emissions immediately, warning continued brightness threatens planetary equity goals. Read More.

Trump Announces Two-Week Ceasefire, Experts Recommend Three-Day Twitter Break Instead

Global tensions ease with Iran ceasefire, but experts warn America’s real threat remains unchecked Twitter diplomacy and emotionally unstable pundits. Read More.

California Blames $6 Gas On Greedy Molecules Refusing Equity

Newsom shifts blame for soaring gas prices to “non-cooperative fuel molecules” that refuse to distribute themselves fairly. Read More.

Trump Promises To “Turn Off Iran Like Wi-Fi Router” If Needed

Trump escalates rhetoric on Iran, promising swift action so simple even your dad resetting the router could understand. Read More.

Government Launches New Program To Spend $1.3 Billion Without Knowing Where It Went

Officials confirm billions in taxpayer funds are “untraceable,” but assure Americans the money still felt very supported. Read More.

Nation Assured Men In Women’s Sports Ban Is “Deeply Offensive To Biology”

Activists warn excluding men from women’s sports harms feelings, while scientists quietly check if reality has been canceled yet. Read More.

U.S. Military Deploys Robot Boats, Pentagon Promises They’re Emotionally Supportive

New autonomous sea drones enter combat, with officials assuring the public the machines are both lethal and deeply affirming of diverse identities. Read More.

Senate Funds Everything Except Border, Declares Crisis “Emotionally Resolved”

Lawmakers celebrate funding victory after excluding immigration enforcement, insisting the border crisis has been successfully redefined out of existence. Read More.

Congress Celebrates Bipartisan Breakthrough: Doing Nothing Together More Efficiently

Lawmakers applaud historic cooperation after successfully avoiding action on multiple crises with unprecedented unity. Read More.

White House Assures Nation Border Is Secure, Just “Very Welcoming”

Officials clarify ongoing migrant surge is proof of system working, not failing, as crossings reach “record inclusivity levels.” Read More.

Canada Expands Healthcare Options to Include ‘Have You Tried Dying?’

Canadian healthcare broadens patient choices by offering euthanasia for minor conditions, citing efficiency and reduced wait times. Read More.