Articles

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Congress Introduces Bipartisan Bill To Finally Fix Problems By Forming Another Committee
Lawmakers celebrate rare unity as they agree to address national crises by creating a powerful new committee to study them indefinitely. Read More.
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Biden Administration Unveils New Plan To Combat Inflation By Redefining “Expensive”
Officials propose updating economic definitions so rising prices no longer count as inflation, easing concerns nationwide overnight. Read More.
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Media Declares Economy Strong After Discovering Americans Still Breathing
Major outlets celebrate economic resilience as citizens continue existing despite rising costs and shrinking paychecks. Read More.
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Headline: Democrats Unveil Bold Plan To Fix Border By Redefining “Border”
Lawmakers propose new framework where borders are considered “suggestions,” dramatically reducing illegal crossings overnight. Read More.
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Hillary Launches New “Contempt Apparel” Line To Help Americans Express Democracy
Former secretary of state unveils clothing line inspired by legal contempt battles, promising stylish ways to protest accountability. Read More.
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Trump Accidentally Solves Middle East Conflict By Actually Hitting Targets
Media experts stunned after military strike destroys Iranian military sites instead of merely expressing concern and scheduling a panel discussion. Read More.
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Exxon Relocates From New Jersey to Texas After Discovering Freedom Exists
After years of lawsuits, taxes, and climate lectures, Exxon announces it is relocating to Texas, where regulators reportedly still believe energy companies produce energy. Read More.
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Media Shocked to Discover Oil Prices Rise When Iran Blows Things Up
After Iranian attacks on oil tankers spike global prices, analysts say the real mystery is why the media is still pretending basic economics is complicated. Read More.
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Harvard Shocked To Learn Admissions May Require Actual Fairness
Harvard officials express deep concern after the Trump administration demands admissions data proving students are admitted without racial preferences. Read More.
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New Iran Supreme Leader Reportedly Injured After First Day On Job
Iran’s newly appointed supreme leader suffers mysterious injury within hours, prompting experts to wonder if the position now includes a free punch card. Read More.
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Trump Says Iran War Nearly Finished, Washington Immediately Forms 12 New Committees
After reports the Iran conflict may soon end, Washington rushes to create oversight panels to investigate why peace happened so quickly. Read More.
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Pentagon Confirms Iran War Nearly Over, CNN Announces Five-Year Panel Discussion
As the Middle East conflict winds down, CNN bravely prepares to explain for the next five years why peace is actually dangerous. Read More.
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College Students Demand “Sanctuary Campus” From Homework, Capitalism, And Immigration Laws
Student activists calling for sanctuary campuses say universities must protect them from federal immigration policy, uncomfortable opinions, and early morning classes. Read More.
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Supreme Court Votes 9-0, Nation’s Twitter Lawyers Immediately Declare Decision “Unconstitutional Anyway”
After a rare 9-0 Supreme Court ruling on immigration policy, thousands of constitutional experts on social media quickly confirmed the justices clearly misunderstood the Constitution. Read More.
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Washington Experts Assure Americans War Is ‘Very Complicated,’ Then Immediately Go On Vacation
As tensions rise overseas, Washington’s top analysts explain the conflict is “extremely complex” before leaving town for think-tank conferences and cable TV panels. Read More.
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