Articles

Congress Announces Emergency Task Force to Investigate Why Americans Read Bills

Lawmakers vow to restore confidence after citizens begin noticing what's actually inside thousand-page legislation. Read More.

Experts Warn National Outrage Reserve Running Dangerously Low Before Tuesday

America launches emergency effort to replenish outrage supply after citizens accidentally enjoy one peaceful afternoon online. Read More.

Washington Unveils Federal Office of Explaining Obvious Things to Bureaucrats

As agencies launch another major investigation, officials create a new department dedicated to translating common sense into government language. Read More.

Democrats Launch Nationwide Background Check for Their Own Moral Outrage

After another campaign implosion, party leaders reportedly unveil a new screening process to ensure future scandals are discovered before Election Day. Read More.

NPR Launches “Presidential Portrait Support Group” for Passport Holders

A fictional counseling program helps travelers emotionally process seeing presidents inside government-issued passports. Read More.

Democrats Launch Emergency “Fascism Alert App” After Running Out of Adjectives

A new fictional smartphone app instantly notifies voters whenever a Republican speaks, ensuring "fascism" is never more than one notification away. Read More.

Government Creates ‘Ministry of Explaining Common Sense’ After Another Bureaucratic Crisis

Officials launch a new department dedicated to translating obvious truths into federally approved PowerPoint presentations. Read More.

Experts Warn Ceasefires Now Last Shorter Than Free Streaming Trials

Global leaders unveil a revolutionary “temporary peace subscription,” complete with auto-renewing conflicts and optional diplomacy upgrades. Read More.

Media Declares National Emergency After American Flags Continue Appearing Outdoors

Experts warn that repeated sightings of patriotic displays could trigger dangerous outbreaks of national gratitude. Read More.

Spain Proposes NATO Membership That Includes Everything Except NATO

European leaders unveil a defense plan requiring America to protect everyone while apologizing for existing. Read More.

Senator Accidentally Starts International Incident by Wearing Wrong Soccer Jersey

Political fashion experts declare every sports jersey a constitutional crisis after one outfit sparks nationwide outrage. Read More.

Experts Warn Patriotism May Trigger Severe Outbreak of Outdoor Happiness

Federal sensitivity experts unveil emergency guidance after Americans accidentally enjoy flags, flyovers, and grilled food. Read More.

New York Declares Air Conditioner Thermostats Officially Responsible for Climate Change

After calls for residents to raise thermostat settings, officials unveil a bold plan asking summer to cooperate with city policy. Read More.

Supreme Court Issues New Ruling Requiring Bureaucrats to Read the Constitution First

After another court clash over executive authority, Washington agencies reportedly begin panic-buying pocket Constitutions they never planned to open. Read More.

Paris Blames American Air Conditioners for Europe’s Heat, Thermometers Apologize

French officials reportedly discover U.S. freedom is responsible for rising temperatures, while thermostats rush to enroll in climate sensitivity classes. Read More.