Articles

'We need to pass the torch,' explained one activist, 'but preferably back to the person who lit it during the Ford administration.'

Following a House resolution denouncing the horrors of socialism, leading progressives clarified their political identities remain unchanged, viewing the vote as more of a 'declarative suggestion' than a binding ideological commitment.

In a stunning rejection of new faces, the Democratic party has reportedly solved its leadership problem by keeping its oldest politicians and simply handing them a new script written by 22-year-old interns.

In a bold missionary effort, California Governor Gavin Newsom is touring several southern states to share his state's revolutionary policies, such as sky-high taxes and rolling blackouts, with communities that have tragically managed to avoid them.

Following the shocking primary results in Oklahoma, Democratic party leaders have reportedly launched an internal investigation to determine how their message accidentally appealed to voters.

NEWS

Following a stunning primary victory, national Democrats are praising a Wyoming candidate whose platform includes transitioning coal miners to artisanal poets and replacing Mount Rushmore with a monument to brunch.

In its bold new push for equity, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has streamlined disaster relief by prioritizing victims who demonstrate a commitment to social justice, regardless of their actual material needs after a hurricane.

In a shocking blow to progress, a recent primary election has revealed that constituents may be more concerned with skyrocketing grocery bills than with a candidate's pledge to decolonize the local dog park.

Breaking News

A new study reveals that limited-edition rainbow packaging on power tools is slightly less effective at securing lifelong community loyalty than previously thought by corporate marketing departments.

Retailer Hearth & Loom has issued a sweeping apology and recalled its entire line of beige-toned craft supplies after activists declared the color palette a 'monument to unseasoned supremacy' and an act of 'chromatic violence'.

Following a routine court decision on mail-in voting, media outlets have upgraded the threat to democracy from 'Red Alert' to 'Armageddon Imminent.' Experts advise stocking up on canned goods and civics textbooks.

Sources Report Democrats Now Believe Supreme Court Should Be Governed By Yelp Reviews

Following Nancy Pelosi's comments on Justice Alito's wife, Democratic strategists are reportedly workshopping new judicial oversight measures, including a one-star review system for opinions they don't like.

In a bold move for international relations, Rep. Eric Swalwell’s deep, personal engagement with a suspected Chinese agent is being hailed by media experts as the new face of diplomacy.