Articles

In the face of polling data that would traditionally signal electoral doom, top media analysts have bravely concluded that numbers are an outdated metric for measuring success and that the 'narrative trajectory' indicates a landslide victory for the left.

After years of rigorous self-reflection, the nation's top pollsters have unveiled a new, foolproof methodology designed to prevent the electoral surprises of the past by simply adjusting for outcomes that cause anxiety.

Breaking News

In a stunning display of economic forensics, Senator Elizabeth Warren has identified the single culprit behind rising restaurant prices: corporate greed. Other factors, such as inflation and wage mandates, were reportedly unavailable for comment.

Analysis Paralysis

As sociologists and media pundits search for answers, they've concluded the real problem isn't failed immigration policy, but a critical lack of museum-based arts and crafts programs.

In a bold move to make the legal system more emotionally resonant, California's courts have decided that objective facts and evidence are now secondary to a defendant's subjective experience of systemic oppression.

In a courageous act of political missionary work, California Governor Gavin Newsom has journeyed to the Granite State to share his home state's secrets for success, such as record-high gas prices and a thriving tent economy.

Emergency Meeting

Following a 'deeply problematic' episode of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' a coalition of progressive thought leaders has convened an emergency tribunal to determine if comedian Larry David will be permitted to continue making jokes.

In a cherished quadrennial tradition, the nation's leading media outlets have released their seasonal collection of surveys designed to soothe liberal anxieties before the harsh reality of Election Day.

Victory for Woke Capitalism

As sports media celebrates the NWSL's new nine-figure media deal, players reportedly find solace in their union's commitment to social justice workshops, which almost makes up for needing a second job to pay rent.

In a landmark moment for journalism, the Pulitzer Prize board has recognized a reporter for his courageous act of accurately typing out a public address. The award celebrates the new gold standard in media: uncritically repeating things the right people say.

WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a move to streamline the electoral process, the Democratic National Committee has announced that all future Senate candidates will be selected not by voters, but by a proprietary algorithm that ranks them on a scale of oppression.

Following a recent uptick in cases in a red state, public health activists who spent the last four years in biohazard suits have suddenly remembered the existence of the MMR vaccine, lamenting that it can’t be administered via mail-in ballot.

In a courageous defense of the status quo, Senate Democrats blocked a radical bill that would have forced politicians to pay for their own political polling instead of using your money.