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Retailer Hearth & Loom has issued a sweeping apology and recalled its entire line of beige-toned craft supplies after activists declared the color palette a 'monument to unseasoned supremacy' and an act of 'chromatic violence'.

Following a routine court decision on mail-in voting, media outlets have upgraded the threat to democracy from 'Red Alert' to 'Armageddon Imminent.' Experts advise stocking up on canned goods and civics textbooks.

Sources Report Democrats Now Believe Supreme Court Should Be Governed By Yelp Reviews

Following Nancy Pelosi's comments on Justice Alito's wife, Democratic strategists are reportedly workshopping new judicial oversight measures, including a one-star review system for opinions they don't like.

In a bold move for international relations, Rep. Eric Swalwell’s deep, personal engagement with a suspected Chinese agent is being hailed by media experts as the new face of diplomacy.

After a former DNC official suggested far-left candidates may not represent the party, a state of emergency was declared in newsrooms and organic coffee shops across the nation.

Journalistic Bravery on Display

In a stunning display of accountability journalism, MSNBC's Jen Psaki briefly asked Sen. Jon Ossoff if he had any thoughts on his own sexist remark before quickly moving on to more comfortable topics.

Once a cable news darling for his role in the first Trump impeachment, Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman has reportedly learned that his brand of heroism is no longer in vogue with a Democratic base that has since moved on.

A congressional delegation visiting a Georgia detention center reportedly spent ninety minutes demanding to see the person in charge of the patriarchy before declaring their oversight mission a 'resounding success.'

Following the Florida primaries, the nation’s political media declared a progressive’s House primary win a 'stunning' and 'historic' victory, while treating the Democratic gubernatorial nominee's win with the enthusiasm of a required office safety seminar.

Having bravely weathered the Trump presidency from the safety of a charming Irish village, stateswoman Rosie O'Donnell has returned to U.S. airwaves to impart wisdom upon the citizens she left behind.

The Florida GOP has reportedly canceled all future strategy sessions after a progressive lawmaker unveiled a platform so helpful to their cause, they're considering just taking the rest of the year off.