Articles

Democrats Demand Safer Streets Immediately After Opposing Everything That Makes Streets Safe

Party leaders unveil bold new plan to restore public order without police, arrests, consequences, or anyone feeling uncomfortable. Read More.

Patriotism Now Requires Warning Labels, Experts Confirm

Officials propose caution notices for flags, patches, and national pride after several citizens reported unexpected gratitude. Read More.

America's 250th Birthday Celebration Updated To Include Twelve Apology Stations

Officials seek balanced approach to patriotism by ensuring every patriotic event includes mandatory grievance processing. Read More.

California Expands Voting Access To Anyone Holding A Yogurt Rewards Card

State officials celebrate historic voter access breakthrough after confirming frozen yogurt loyalty cards now qualify as identity. Read More.

Pentagon Cuts Religion List To 31, Bureaucrats Demand New Faith

Federal bureaucrats devastated after learning their highly specialized workplace religions may no longer qualify for official paperwork. Read More.

White House Creates “World’s Largest Group Chat” To Prevent Middle East War

Trump administration unveils international group text strategy after discovering diplomacy works better when everyone can see who left whom on read. Read More.

Washington Creates New Fund to Reward Victims of Politics

Officials unveil groundbreaking program compensating Americans traumatized by exposure to political disagreement. Read More.

Nation's Empathy Reserve Hits Critical Low After Border Finally Exists

Activists warn stronger immigration enforcement could leave America dangerously overstocked with laws that are actually enforced. Read More.

Democrats Demand DNA Test After Racism Accusation Backfires Spectacularly

Lawmakers shocked to discover the man they accused of racism belongs to the very minority group they were attempting to defend. Read More.

Senate Hearing Replaced With Footwear Review After Running Out Of Arguments

Foreign policy hearing devolves into shoe commentary as lawmakers discover discussing actual policy requires preparation. Read More.

Primary Voters Demand Candidates Promise To Fix Problems They Created

Election season begins as candidates campaign aggressively against conditions produced by policies they previously supported. Read More.

NFL Announces Teams Must Earn Pride Month Through Performance Metrics

League unveils new diversity-based playoff system where teams earn Pride Month participation only after meeting inclusion efficiency standards. Read More.

Toronto Renames Square Again After Learning Geography Exists

Toronto officials were stunned to discover the culture they celebrated doesn't actually share their politics, triggering an emergency renaming summit. Read More.

Seattle's Smart Toilets Demand Reparations After Meeting Public

Seattle's $116,000 smart toilets lasted weeks before vandals struck, prompting city leaders to conclude the real problem is insufficient emotional support. Read More.

California Awards Girls’ Track Titles To Whoever Feels Fastest Today

State officials unveil bold new fairness model allowing athletes to identify as winners before competitions even begin. Read More.