Articles

In a move of stunning political chivalry, California Governor Gavin Newsom has declared he will not challenge Vice President Kamala Harris in 2028, saving the nation from having to distinguish between two candidates with nearly identical platforms and approval ratings.

The Wokelish Scoop

After years of leveraging technology, Democrats have heroically formed a task force to address the scary new threat of AI, a concept they apparently just learned about this week.

In a bold new push for social justice, progressive leaders have declared war on 'wellness fascism,' arguing that traditional health standards are a tool of oppression and must be replaced by subsidized sloth.

Breaking News

The nation's top credentialing agencies have announced that knowing what you're doing is now secondary to having the right feelings about systemic inequities while you do it.

WASHINGTON, D.C.

— In a bold move to decolonize the nation’s attic, the Smithsonian Institution has announced it will begin phasing out all physical artifacts, replacing them with QR codes that link to professionally produced videos of curators apologizing for the object’s existence.

With student reading proficiency at a 25-year low, Department of Education officials are celebrating a landmark achievement in their quest to deconstruct the oppressive structures of the English language.

WASHINGTON, D.C.

As parental satisfaction with K-12 education hits a historic low, school districts nationwide have heroically decided the best way to fix the problem is by ignoring it entirely in favor of more important pronoun policy debates.

In a bold move to protect democracy from mathematics, a new coalition has unveiled a plan to supplement traditional vote counts with a 'narrative-based audit' to ensure election results align with progressive expectations.

Following renewed calls for FAA regulation on airline seat dimensions, the nation’s thought leaders have identified cramped seating as the next frontier in the fight for social justice, demanding seats that affirm one's lived experience.

The Resistance Takes a Wrong Turn

In a bold stand against a mapping app rumored to have a conservative algorithm, progressive activists have rediscovered the joy of printing out turn-by-turn directions. Early reports indicate traffic has gotten worse, but moral superiority is at an all-time high.

Crisis in D.C.

In a shocking turn of events, two Democratic senators were found to possess functional vertebrae, leading to widespread panic and calls for their immediate cancellation. The party is scrambling to contain the outbreak of independent thought.

In a bold move that redefines progress, Massachusetts Democrats have heroically set aside their talking points about youth and diversity to ensure a man who remembers the Truman administration gets another shot.

In a devastating blow to people who get their news exclusively from TikTok, Democratic voters in key primaries are tragically opting for candidates focused on local issues over those promising to dismantle capitalism by Thursday.