Articles

DoorDash Employees Finally Allowed To Donate Without Permission

Workers celebrate newfound freedom after company removes a controversial charity blacklist and discovers adults can make choices. Read More.

California Extends Election Day Until Everyone Feels Included

State officials unveil a more compassionate election process where ballots are counted until every voter, volunteer, and emotional support ferret feels seen. Read More.

White House Replaced With Octagon To Better Reflect American Politics

Following a historic UFC event on the White House lawn, officials decide the Octagon is now the most accurate symbol of Washington. Read More.

Democrats Demand Federal Ban on Excessive National Enjoyment

After Americans appeared suspiciously happy during a patriotic weekend, lawmakers move to regulate dangerous levels of public enthusiasm. Read More.

White House Announces Iran Peace Deal Is Only 37 Announcements Away

Officials assure Americans that peace with Iran is imminent for the 28th consecutive time this year. Read More.

Washington Replaces Intelligence Experts With Guy Who Once Read Email

After years of complaints about unelected bureaucrats, officials unveil a bold new plan: appoint someone who once successfully reset a Wi-Fi router. Read More.

Congress Demands More Surveillance To Monitor Excessive Government Surveillance

Lawmakers propose creating oversight committees to oversee oversight committees overseeing other oversight committees. Read More.

New York Launches Medicaid Premium Plan For Imaginary Problems

City leaders unveil ambitious new program funding identity upgrades, emotional maintenance, and emergency reality avoidance services. Read More.

Democrats Demand Safer Streets Immediately After Opposing Everything That Makes Streets Safe

Party leaders unveil bold new plan to restore public order without police, arrests, consequences, or anyone feeling uncomfortable. Read More.

Patriotism Now Requires Warning Labels, Experts Confirm

Officials propose caution notices for flags, patches, and national pride after several citizens reported unexpected gratitude. Read More.

America's 250th Birthday Celebration Updated To Include Twelve Apology Stations

Officials seek balanced approach to patriotism by ensuring every patriotic event includes mandatory grievance processing. Read More.

California Expands Voting Access To Anyone Holding A Yogurt Rewards Card

State officials celebrate historic voter access breakthrough after confirming frozen yogurt loyalty cards now qualify as identity. Read More.

Pentagon Cuts Religion List To 31, Bureaucrats Demand New Faith

Federal bureaucrats devastated after learning their highly specialized workplace religions may no longer qualify for official paperwork. Read More.

White House Creates “World’s Largest Group Chat” To Prevent Middle East War

Trump administration unveils international group text strategy after discovering diplomacy works better when everyone can see who left whom on read. Read More.

Washington Creates New Fund to Reward Victims of Politics

Officials unveil groundbreaking program compensating Americans traumatized by exposure to political disagreement. Read More.