April 30, 2025 – Somewhere Between a Battlefield and a Business Pitch
In a bold move to stay relevant and keep those sweet Western dollars flowing, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has officially signed a deal granting the U.S. access to his country’s rare earth minerals. Translation: “You give us weapons, we give you rocks.”
Zelensky, who moonlights as NATO’s favorite motivational speaker, struck the deal just days after learning Trump ordered a probe into America’s reliance on Chinese minerals. Realizing he might soon be left off the donor list, he offered up the one thing Ukraine has left that isn’t on fire: a shovel and a map.
The Real Deal
Ukraine promised access to 22 out of 34 globally critical minerals, which experts agree is a smart move if your long-term survival strategy involves trading lithium for missiles.
Meanwhile, the Biden holdovers in the State Department are calling it a “historic strategic partnership,” while Trump supporters are calling it what it really is: the Zelensky Clearance Sale—everything must go before peace breaks out.
Trump: “We’ll Take the Minerals—And the Peace”
President Trump, currently rebuilding U.S. supply chains and launching economic nukes at China, hasn’t officially commented—but insiders say he’s pleased. After all, under Trump, we actually use deals instead of just framing them and hanging them in John Kerry’s office.
In MAGA terms: Ukraine's finally doing something useful besides draining our budget.
Conclusion: Ukraine Strikes Gold, America Strikes a Better Deal
Zelensky may still be pushing for World War III at every summit, but at least now he’s got a side hustle: “Ukrainium”—coming soon to a red-state energy project near you.
MAGA wins again. China loses again. And Zelensky? Still auditioning for a Netflix war doc, but now with slightly cleaner boots.
