THE UTERUS IS CANCELLED, FOLKS
At a recent health summit, Michelle Obama bravely took on the biggest threat to feminism: basic anatomy. In a moment that sent Planned Parenthood executives into slow clap mode, the former First Lady declared that the uterus — long oppressed by biology — is being unfairly labeled as “life-producing.” “That’s the least of what it does,” she explained, courageously minimizing childbirth like a true icon of post-reality feminism.
SCIENCE IS SEXIST, SAYS EXPERT WITH DEGREE IN ‘FEELINGS’
Experts (citation: TikTok) backed Michelle’s statement, noting that focusing on reproduction is “very 1950s.” One activist said, “Honestly, I use my uterus to hold my phone during yoga. Creating life? That’s so heteronormative.”
MICHELLE UNVEILS NEW ‘EMPOWERMENT ANATOMY’ POSTERS FOR SCHOOLS
New posters funded by the Obama Foundation now show female anatomy rebranded: ovaries are “Hope Beads,” the cervix is “The Gate of Liberation,” and the uterus? Now labeled “The Chamber of Social Justice.”
BARACK FOUND WEEPING INTO COPY OF ‘WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE DECONSTRUCTING’
When asked for comment, former President Obama nodded solemnly. “Frankly, I’ve been told I’m not allowed to have thoughts on this unless I bleed once a month. So I’m staying silent — out of respect and fear.”
TRUMP RESPONDS: “MY WOMEN KNOW WHAT A WOMB IS. IT MAKES PATRIOTS.”
President Trump, speaking at a rally, fired back with the thunder of common sense: “My women? They make babies, not excuses. We love wombs. Wombs make America great.” The crowd erupted, and several fetuses reportedly gave tiny thumbs up.
