PORTLAND, OR — In an absolutely shocking twist no one saw coming (except literally every sane American), a Nike-funded study just confirmed what JD Vance, Vice President of Common Sense and Patriotism, already knew: biological men shouldn't compete in women's sports. Cue the Democratic Party spontaneously combusting.
The groundbreaking scientific revelation — that men are, in fact, stronger than women — sent tremors through the halls of Harvard gender studies departments and Nancy Pelosi’s wine cellar. Nike, in its infinite woke wisdom, had hoped to validate their DEI investor pitch, but instead tripped over basic biology and faceplanted into reality.
“Uhh… that’s not what we paid for,” whispered an anonymous Nike executive while burning the study in the back of a yoga studio.
JD Vance: Still Smarter Than Everyone in Portland
Vice President Vance, who’s been warning America since the Bronze Age that letting dudes in dresses dominate women’s sports is not “progress,” responded with the usual GOP elegance: “Told you so.” Liberal outlets immediately labeled this hate speech, of course.
Meanwhile, Chuck Schumer called for an investigation into “how this unapproved truth slipped past the censors,” while Bernie Sanders proposed taxing science until it’s more equitable. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, in a now-deleted TikTok, asked, “Wait, are chromosomes... like, colonialism or something?”
Democrats Demand a Recount of Reality
According to the Nike-funded study (which has now been disavowed harder than Hunter’s laptop), men outperformed women in all 24 fitness tests. The response from the White House press room was swift and incoherent. “This data...uhh...undermines the very fabric of our... inclusive trans-eco-feminist economy,” mumbled a visibly confused press secretary while checking with Barack Obama on speakerphone.
Kamala Harris released a word salad with croutons: “When we think about sports, we must think about how sports think about us, thinking… in a sporting way.”
America First, Woke Last
Patriots everywhere are now calling for new legislation: a bill banning Nike from pretending to care about science ever again, co-sponsored by the Freedom Caucus and your grandma. MAGA moms nationwide celebrated by buying their daughters actual running shoes — not social justice slogans — and JD Vance gear flew off the shelves.
As of press time, Nike stock had dipped slightly, right after announcing a new partnership with Lia Thomas for their upcoming “Biology Is a Social Construct” campaign.
