Articles

Feeling like your carbon footprint weighs more than a hippopotamus wearing a parka? Fear not, environmentally-conscious friend, because eco-guilt just got an eco-makeover! Introducing the all-new, guilt-trip 2.0, now packaged in 100% recycled bamboo and organic shame! Read More.

BRUSSELS, Jan. 2nd, 2024 (The Panicked Press): In a stunning turn of events that scientists would call "inevitable" and economists "bankruptingly obvious," several leading nations have finally declared victory over the Covid-19 pandemic. Yes, that pesky cough that disrupted our carefully manicured social calendars and our questionable hygiene habits is officially deader than disco. How did we achieve this monumental feat? By channeling the combined neuroses of a germaphobe with a social media addiction, of course! Read More.

A new report by the OECD indicates Ireland had no excess deaths during the pandemic years 2020 to 2022, suggesting that many people who died “with COVID” would have died anyway. Read More.

LOS ANGELES, CA - In a move that has shocked and appalled brunch enthusiasts across the state, Governor Gavin Newsom has signed an executive order banning the sale and consumption of avocado toast within California's borders.Citing avocado-related water shortages, skyrocketing prices, and "an unacceptable level of millennial entitlement," Newsom declared the beloved breakfast staple a threat to public safety and the state's economic wellbeing. Read More.

Worried you're not quite woke enough? Fearful your carbon footprint is thicker than your grandma's gravy? Concerned your recycling efforts pale in comparison to Greta Thunberg's glare? Introducing the revolutionary "Social Credit Calculator," the one-stop shop for quantifying your human value! Read More.

BOSTON - In a move guaranteed to melt snowflakes across the state, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts has announced a groundbreaking new initiative: the official categorization of snowmen as non-binary gender fluid precipitations (NGFPs). The controversial policy, effective immediately, mandates all снежные бабы (pronounced “snezhnye baby”, Russian for “snow woman”) and their frosty counterparts comply with the new nomenclature or face potential deconstruction. Read More.

It’s been nearly a year since the debacle of the infamous Chinese spy balloon played out over the skies of North America. While the balloon initially entered American airspace over Alaska on Jan... Read More.

MIAMI, FL - In a stunning display of holiday cheer and misinterpreted political ideology, Florida Man Timmy "Tommy Tanks" McGruder, 37, declared war on Santas across the Sunshine State today. Armed with a MAGA hat, a box of expired fireworks, and an unwavering conviction that elves are secretly spreading communism, McGruder embarked on a one-man crusade against the jolly figures. Read More.

“Cocaine isn’t healthy – but the reality is that people use it,” one expert said. “We can’t change that, so we should try to ensure people use it in the safest, … Read More.

Remember the wall? That glorious, orange-tinged serpent slithering across the US-Mexico border, promising to choke the life out of illegal immigration? Well, believe it or not, the world laughed, scoffed, and then...followed suit. Turns out, a wall ain't just a wall when Trump's behind it. It's a global trendsetter. Read More.

In a groundbreaking linguistic discovery that threatens to shatter the foundations of communication as we know it, renowned professor Dr. Bartholomew Frumpleton-Sprocket has revealed that the entire English language is, in fact, an elaborate series of misinterpreted emoji. Read More.

In a stunning linguistic coup d'état, the esteemed Society for Correct Speech (SCS) has declared all non-American accents to be "microaggressions of pronunciation." The controversial ruling, issued earlier today, has sent shockwaves through the global language community, sparking heated debates about cultural appropriation, vocal fry, and the inherent tyranny of diphthongs. Read More.

Joe Scarborough: self-hating Southerner? Read More.

Silicon Valley, in its never-ending quest to solve problems nobody asked for, has unveiled its latest brainchild: Procrastinator Pro Plus, the miracle pill that turns chronic procrastination into a superpower. Read More.

Attention, oxygen-guzzlers and air-hogs! Scientists have issued a dire warning: our very breath holds the key to planetary annihilation. Yes, you heard right, your daily dose of that sweet, sweet O2 could trigger the apocalypse. How? Through the Earth-shattering phenomenon known as... Collective Exhalation. Read More.