MAURENE COMEY FIRED, CNN DECLARES “NATIONAL DAUGHTER EMERGENCY”
Pam Bondi just booted Maurene Comey—yes, that Comey—from the DOJ, instantly triggering a 7-hour Anderson Cooper “Democracy in Crisis” marathon. Maurene reportedly texted “💀” to her dad, who replied with his usual: a dramatic selfie in the woods captioned, “The Constitution weeps.”
DOJ SHAKEUP CAUSES PROGRESSIVE QUAKES, GEORGE SOROS ORDERS EXTRA LATTES
Over 200 Deep State devotees have been removed, including an immigration judge so liberal, she once ruled that border walls violate the Geneva Convention and gluten-free protocol. Reports say therapy llamas have been brought into DOJ hallways to aid recovery.
DEEP STATE FIRES BACK WITH STRONGLY WORDED EMAILS AND HAMILTON SING-ALONGS
Fired staffers, many of whom worked tirelessly to imprison Trump supporters for the crime of liking flags, have joined "Justice Connection"—a group dedicated to whining in solidarity. Their latest legal brief is formatted entirely in TikTok captions.
MAGA RECLAMATION UNDERWAY, DEEP STATE TO BE REPLACED WITH REGULAR AMERICANS
One insider says the DOJ now plays Toby Keith in the breakroom. Bondi promises more firings, more freedom, and less soy in the vending machines. “We’re replacing DC swamp creatures with Americans who actually know what a Constitution is,” said one official, probably holding a bald eagle.
TRUMP ERA 2.0: YOU’RE FIRED—FOR REAL THIS TIME
While Democrats hyperventilate into their kale smoothies, MAGA Nation celebrates. Trump’s administration is finally putting the “Justice” back in Department of Justice—and sending the Resistance back to their barista jobs.
