TRUMP STRIKES IRAN, THEN STRIKES A PEACE DEAL
Trump authorized bombing Iranian nuclear sites... then pulled a diplomatic rabbit out of his MAGA hat and stopped a war before it started. "We were hoping for apocalypse," sighed one New York Times editor. “This ruins our Pulitzer pitch.”
STOCK MARKET EXPLODES, MEDIA CHOOSES VIOLENCE
With tariffs on pause and stocks surging, CNN launched a special: “Dow Jones: Racist?” Meanwhile, MSNBC blamed capitalism, El Niño, and Trump’s golf swing.
TRUMP VS. THE MEDIA: BODY COUNT GROWS
After clobbering ABC and CBS in court, Trump now leads the legal Super Bowl 2-0. Rumors swirl he’ll sue NBC for bad lighting next. “He’s literally suing us out of relevance,” wept one executive into his kombucha.
THE BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL: GOP BENDS THE KNEE
Republicans passed Trump’s bill without a peep. “We were going to object, but then he glared,” said one senator, anonymously hiding under his desk.
MAGA ASCENDS, LIBERAL HEADS DETONATE
Trump’s streak has shattered media sanity. “We were promised fascism, not stock market rallies!” shrieked a blue-haired protester. Trump responded by golfing a 74... with a sledgehammer.
