HACKERS BREACH AMERICA’S NUCLEAR FORTRESS… THROUGH MICROSOFT TEAMS
In a moment of unparalleled digital heroism, America’s nuclear secrets were bravely defended by Microsoft SharePoint, the same platform that can’t format a Word doc without crashing. Sources say the breach occurred on July 18, coinciding with IT Guy Greg’s scheduled “No Pants Friday.”
DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY SAYS, “DON’T WORRY, IT WAS JUST THE NUKE STUFF”
The Department of Energy assured the public that only “a few systems” were compromised—like the ones that build, store, and dismantle atomic weapons. “We got lucky,” said one anonymous official, “the hackers opened Outlook and immediately left due to psychological trauma.”
NNSA: SEMIAUTONOMOUS, FULLY OBLIVIOUS
The NNSA, a “semiautonomous” agency responsible for building literal doomsday devices, reportedly realized the breach only after someone’s email auto-replied in Mandarin. “We have state-of-the-art cybersecurity,” claimed their press release, typed in Comic Sans.
SHAREPOINT: AMERICA’S SECRET WEAPON (AGAINST ITSELF)
The attack exploited a SharePoint zero-day, confirming once again that Microsoft products remain the top backdoor into American national defense. “Our M365 cloud setup is rock solid,” said one DOE staffer, while accidentally uploading the nuclear launch codes to a public OneDrive folder titled “Q3 Snacks.”
MAGA ENDING: ONLY TRUMP CAN FIX THIS
As nuclear secrets hang in the digital breeze, Republicans demand answers—and maybe paper files. “Under Trump, our nukes were guarded by a man named Steve and a shotgun,” said one aide. “Now we’ve got Kamala’s Wi-Fi password protecting the warheads.”
