The GENIUS Act: Regulating the Unregulatable
In a heroic effort to pretend they understand digital currency, lawmakers passed the GENIUS Act — a name chosen after rejecting “The Blockchain Reeducation Bill.” It got bipartisan support, because nothing says unity like agreeing to micromanage people’s money. “We’re excited to stabilize the stablecoin,” said Sen. Karen Dumptrux (D–CA), “by putting it in a cage and giving it a government handler.”
Bipartisanship: The Red and Blue Pill That Both Suck
The bill sailed through the Senate like a woke cruise ship — loaded with unintended consequences, lobbyist champagne, and zero life vests for innovation. “We now have a framework,” announced Rep. Chuck Floptimus (R–NY), “which is a fancy way of saying we’ll kill this thing slowly, and legally.”
FedCoin: Coming to a Surveillance State Near You
While the bill claims to bar the Fed from creating its own digital currency, critics suspect that’s like telling Hunter Biden to stop painting. “No, no, we swear we’re not watching your wallets,” whispered a mysterious voice from Janet Yellen’s shoe. “Just your transactions. And thoughts. And dreams.”
Freedom Isn’t Dead — It’s Just Blockchain-Locked by Bureaucrats
Republicans split harder than a Dogecoin chart, with some warning the bill could lead to Fed surveillance à la Beijing, while others just really liked the name GENIUS. “I’m for liberty,” said one anonymous congressman, “unless it gets too complicated, then I’m for comfy compliance.”
MAGA to the Rescue: Trumpcoin or Bust
President Trump, the original crypto king (who still thinks Bitcoin is a type of steak), backed the bill anyway — but only because he thought “GENIUS” was named after him. “No one regulates better than me,” he boomed. “But also, don’t regulate anything. Unless it’s CNN.”
