Intel Agencies Swap Intelligence For Imagination
It turns out the 2016 Russia narrative wasn’t based on intelligence but on “implausible” stories floated at Obama’s “unusual” request — a phrase which here means “he told them to write fanfiction starring Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump holding hands in a MAGA convertible.” Devin Nunes blinked, Tulsi Gabbard declassified, and Adam Schiff reportedly fainted into a pile of MSNBC transcripts.
Adam Schiff’s Head Explodes Like A Russian Nesting Doll
Schiff, who chaired the committee like a man auditioning for a daytime soap opera, swore the evidence was “real.” Turns out it was as real as his neck. Intelligence officials admitted under oath that their “Putin wants Trump” theory came from the same place as unicorns and CNN ratings — nowhere.
Obama’s Directive: “Make It Look Real, Use Glitter If Necessary”
According to the report, Obama basically told the IC to toss credibility and go full Michael Bay. “The Russians are coming — and they’re wearing MAGA hats!” screamed a memo, possibly written in crayon. One analyst confessed, “We just assumed Putin liked strong jawlines and bad Twitter jokes.”
Tulsi Gabbard Drops Truth Bomb, Dems Call Her Russian Cyborg
Gabbard declassified the Nunes report, instantly becoming Public Enemy #1 among Democrats and Morning Joe hosts. “We had a good thing going with this hoax,” whispered one anonymous source while updating their LinkedIn to “Disinformation Architect.”
TRUMP VINDICATED, MEDIA IN MOURNING
With zero evidence of Putin preference for Trump, the whole collusion narrative now collapses harder than Joe Biden’s approval ratings. Trump responded by yelling “I told you!” from his gold-plated golf cart while eating a taco bowl. America First wins again — and Adam Schiff is still blinking in Morse code.
