THE TRANSPARENCY OLYMPICS BEGIN
In a dazzling display of selective outrage, Rep. James Comer has issued a subpoena to Ghislaine Maxwell, currently incarcerated, to get to the bottom of a scandal he’d prefer remain just fuzzy enough to avoid implicating any country club colleagues. “This is about TRUTH!” he yelled, before locking the Epstein files in a climate-controlled vault labeled “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL PUBLIC FORGETS.”
BURCHETT SAYS “HECK YEAH,” FORGETS WHY
Rep. Tim Burchett excitedly told Blaze News, “Get her up there. Let’s talk.” Sources say he then high-fived a potted plant and accidentally co-sponsored a bill naming August “National Deflection Awareness Month.” When asked if he’s seen the client list, Burchett responded, “That’s between me and my chiropractor.”
DEPOSITION SCHEDULED, FILES MISPLACED
Maxwell’s deposition is set for August 11, but don’t worry—Congress promises to ask the really hard questions like: “How was Epstein’s coffee?” and “Was Bill Gates nice?” Meanwhile, 943 pages of actual documentation remain “under review,” which is D.C. code for “in Schumer’s glovebox.”
TRUMP: “EPSTEIN FILES? NEVER HEARD OF HER.”
The Trump team, eager to distance itself from all things Epstein, called the subpoenas “great” and “tremendous,” then reminded reporters that Epstein probably voted for Hillary. Probably twice. Maybe by mail. No further questions.
MAGA CONCLUSION: SHINING A FLASHLIGHT INTO A CLOSED BRIEFCASE
In the end, Republicans showed America that when it comes to exposing elite pedophiles, they’ll go straight to the prison visiting room—just not the filing cabinet. Transparency achieved. Kind of. Heck yeah.
