‘The Will Of The People Is Problematic,’ Argues Strategist
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing the need for a more “just and numerically equitable outcome,” the Democratic National Committee announced Friday it would be scrapping the traditional primary system for the 2028 election cycle. Instead, the party’s nominee will be selected by a proprietary DEI-based spreadsheet model named the “Algorithmic Representative Calibration & Unity Matrix,” or ARCAUM.
The decision comes on the heels of the party’s recent approval of a new primary calendar designed to empower more diverse voices, a move that sources say was merely “phase one” of a broader plan to remove the public from the democratic process entirely.
“For decades, our nomination process has been held captive by the whims of voters, whose choices are often influenced by problematic factors like name recognition, experience, and electability,” said DNC senior strategist Amelia Korg-Chart in a press release. “ARCAUM frees us from the tyranny of popular opinion by using 274 separate sociopolitical metrics to calculate the most deserving candidate, independent of any actual voter input.”
The Science of Selection
According to a heavily redacted PowerPoint presentation, the ARCAUM system assigns each potential candidate an “Intersectional Value Score” (IVS) based on a complex weighting of identity characteristics. This score is then cross-referenced with the “Historical Grievance Index” (HGI) of their home state and adjusted using a “Lived Experience Multiplier” (LEM).
“We’re moving beyond the antiquated notion of one person, one vote,” Korg-Chart explained. “Our model ensures that a candidate’s viability is measured by what truly matters: their place on the progressive stack. A cis-het white male from a swing state might have a high baseline appeal, but ARCAUM correctly identifies that his IVS is, frankly, abysmal.”
The system is reportedly so advanced that it renders the entire concept of a candidate “bench” obsolete. When asked who the party’s leading contenders for 2028 are, Korg-Chart simply gestured toward a server rack humming in the corner. “ARCAUM is currently running simulations. It has identified over 7,000 potential candidates with an IVS score higher than any sitting governor. Most of them are adjunct professors, baristas, and non-profit administrators who have never run for office, which the algorithm views as a significant asset.”
A New Campaign Trail
The newly ratified primary calendar, which elevates states like South Carolina and Michigan, will still be used. However, instead of hosting debates and rallies, these states will now serve as official “data validation stops.”
“The algorithmically selected nominee will embark on a ceremonial tour of the early primary states,” the press release states. “This will allow the candidate to be introduced to the communities that ARCAUM has determined they perfectly represent, whether those communities are aware of it or not.”
Initial trial runs of the ARCAUM system have reportedly produced some surprising frontrunners. One simulation selected a 24-year-old Etsy store owner from Burlington, Vermont, whose entire platform consists of a single, long-form poem about decolonizing hiking trails. Another identified a community college student from California who has, to date, only communicated via a series of interpretive dances shared on TikTok.
“This is what progress looks like,” said Korg-Chart, beaming with pride. “We’ve finally found a way to center the voices of the most marginalized without having to bother them with the tedious work of running for president. The spreadsheet does all the work. It’s democracy, perfected.”
