Justice by Autopen: Now with 70% Less Cognition
President Joe “I-Thought-It-Was-a-Golf-Scorecard” Biden revealed he didn’t actually review who he was pardoning—his staff just waved a checklist and clicked the autopen like they were stamping coupons. “I approved the vibes,” Biden reportedly said before wandering off to sniff a podium.
Bureau of Prisons or Bureau of Paperwork?
As names kept changing, aides decided asking Joe again would be too much like “governing,” so they let the autopen handle it. “It’s what he would’ve done, probably,” said one staffer while practicing signature forgery on a napkin.
Pen Power: Biden’s Most Trusted Cabinet Member
The autopen, now affectionately nicknamed “PardonPal,” is rumored to be smarter than most of the Cabinet. It never trips, never gaffes, and unlike Joe, doesn’t need nap time.
New Pardons Include Jaywalkers, Bank Robbers, and Two Guys Named Hunter
Sources confirm the criteria included being “not too murdery” and “somewhat woke.” One convict claimed he got out because he once subscribed to NPR.
Trump Pens Response With Actual Hand, Nation Swoons
President Trump responded, “I sign my own papers—because I can read.” The crowd roared. Somewhere, Biden’s pen tried to file for asylum.
