Batteries Are Bullets Now, and We’re Out of Ammo
In a stunning revelation nobody saw coming (except everyone), China controls over 80% of the key battery materials America needs to power things like drones, radios, and “freedom lasers.” Apparently, the U.S. military runs on AA batteries now — and Beijing holds the charger.
How Did We Get Here? Ask the Tree-Huggers
China’s battery dominance stems from being totally chill about environmental destruction. While the U.S. held candlelight vigils for river fish, China dug cobalt like it was Black Friday at Best Buy. A Pentagon source said, “We didn’t realize stopping mining here meant giving the keys to Beijing.”
CCP’s Strategy: Steal It, Subsidize It, Sell It Back
The Chinese Communist Party went full Bond villain — stealing IP, juicing industries with subsidies, and flooding markets with batteries so cheap they made Dollar Tree blush. “We call this forced innovation,” said a fictional CCP spokesman while polishing a drone that works.
America’s Response: Panic, Tariffs, Then Yoga
After realizing the laser tanks won’t run on kale, D.C. finally hit the panic button. The Defense Production Act was dusted off, climate activists were told to zip it, and Biden mumbled something about EV chargers in Delaware. Meanwhile, the CCP just bought another graphite mine.
Conclusion: Make America Dig Again
Trump 2024 just got a new slogan: “No Cobalt, No Country.” Time to mine like your life depends on it — because it does. Either we break ground or break out the white flags. Spoiler: Tesla batteries don’t stop missiles.
