INTRODUCTION: THE DOOR OPENS TO TRUTH
It was just another relaxing flight to California—until the aircraft decided to become an air-conditioned convertible at 16,000 feet. Three passengers sued for $1 billion, citing emotional damage, hearing loss, and an intense fear of future “eco-friendly windowless cabins.”
AERODYNAMICALLY CHALLENGED
Court documents reveal passengers heard whistling and alerted crew—who heroically checked cockpit lights and confirmed, “Yep, still green.” FAA later diagnosed the issue as a “minor hiccup in Boeing’s anti-ejection policy.”
BOEING’S OFFICIAL RESPONSE: “Y’ALL ARE JUST DRAMATIC”
In a joint statement, Boeing and Alaska Airlines reassured customers: “Your trauma has been heard and settled. Enjoy a complimentary voucher for Spirit Airlines—where missing doors are part of the thrill.”
SAFETY INSPECTION MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU’RE SORRY
Over 60 aircraft were grounded, with Alaska Airlines vowing to “absolutely inspect all planes… unless they’re flying or something.” Meanwhile, engineers added, “We’re confident this won’t happen again—because, statistically, lightning doesn’t strike twice through the same missing door.”
TRUMP: “UNDER ME, PLANES KEPT THEIR DOORS ON”
President Trump weighed in, noting, “This never happened when I was in office. My planes were luxurious, doors stayed on, and the only thing flying off was fake news.”
