INTRO: VANCE STRIKES DOGE—LEFT MELTS LIKE VEGAN ICE CREAM
In a moment historians will call “The Great Defunding of Feelings,” VP JD Vance cast the tiebreaker to advance Trump’s glorious DOGE cuts—sending NPR interns into full latte-splattering panic. The Senate vote, 51-50, left Murkowski, Collins, and McConnell sobbing into recycled hemp tissues.
PBS DECLARES MARTIAL LAW IN SESAME STREET
Within minutes, PBS announced Elmo was furloughed and Big Bird began crowdfunding therapy. “This is an assault on bird rights,” squawked an anonymous yellow puppet. Reports claim Bernie Sanders is introducing emergency puppet care legislation.
FOREIGN AID WOKE-AGEDDON: BYE-BYE TO GENDER NEUTRAL GOAT FARMS
The $8.3B slice to leftist “foreign aid” triggered panic in global NGO circles. The U.S. Agency for International Development cried foul, warning that thousands of taxpayer-funded drag brunches in Kabul are now at risk. “This is colonial cruelty in reverse,” whispered Hillary Clinton from an undisclosed panic room.
MITCH MCCONNELL EXPERIENCES EMOTION, VOTES WRONG
In a rare show of consciousness, Mitch McConnell voted against the cuts. “I briefly felt something,” he murmured. Experts believe it was indigestion or a rogue spine growing for 8 seconds. Either way, he’s since resumed his coma.
TRUMP TRIUMPHANT AS AMERICA CUTS WOKE FAT
With Vance wielding the tiebreaker like Thor’s hammer, Trump’s mission to defund nonsense surged ahead. “$9.4 billion saved—now let’s use it to finish the wall and buy steaks,” Trump declared, sipping Trump Water from a bald eagle skull. The Left wept. America First roared.
