COPPER FOUND IN ARIZONA, DEMOCRATS FOUND NOWHERE
In what some are calling “the second coming of logic,” Ivanhoe Electric has dared to open a copper mine—in America. Experts say this will reduce U.S. dependence on countries like China, Peru, and Schumer’s delusions. Liberals immediately protested, demanding the mine be replaced with a solar-powered empathy farm.
TRUMP TURNS COPPER INTO GOLD... AGAIN
President Trump, wielding executive orders like a lightsaber of freedom, slapped a 50% tariff on copper imports and tried to get copper added to the “Critical Minerals List.” AOC responded by proposing a “Feelings-Based Elements List” where all minerals are ranked by how inclusive they sound.
PERMITTING PROCESS MIRACULOUSLY TAKES LESS THAN 30 YEARS
Ivanhoe expects to open the mine by 2028—only eight years after starting. Environmental activists were stunned. “That’s dangerously efficient,” gasped a dreadlocked protestor between drum circles.
MINE TO PRODUCE 3 BILLION POUNDS OF COPPER, 0 POUNDS OF WOKE NONSENSE
Core samples show the land is bursting with copper—3 billion pounds’ worth. Meanwhile, Gavin Newsom is reportedly investigating if Arizona’s desert sun is somehow oppressing California’s solar panels.
TRUMP WINS, AGAIN—WITH METALS
Once again, Trump proves that the path to American greatness is paved with actual resources and real production, not recycled TED Talks. As copper flows, so does liberal confusion.
