INTRODUCING THE “VAGRANCY VICTORY INITIATIVE”
In a stunning move that sent liberal mayors into a collective fainting spell, President Trump just declared war—on garbage-strewn sidewalks. The executive order, titled “Ending Vagrancy and Restoring,” is already being called “the most fascist attack on public urination since Giuliani.”
LIBERALS ACCUSE TRUMP OF CRIMES AGAINST CARDBOARD
Attorney General Pam Bondi was tasked with dismantling the woke legal webs that protect “urban sleepover zones.” AOC called it “state-sponsored gentrification of struggle.” Gavin Newsom warned it might “violate the Geneva Convention for Tent Dwellers.”
FAKE QUOTES, REAL HYSTERIA
Bernie Sanders issued a furious statement: “Trump wants to send the homeless to treatment centers?! What’s next? Jobs?!” Chuck Schumer added, “This is clearly a prelude to forcing people into homes with—gasp—roofs.”
CALIFORNIA INTRODUCES “STREET CITIZEN SANCTUARY ZONES”
San Francisco immediately declared itself a Safe Space for Sidewalk Settlement. City Council passed a bill legalizing “open-air composting of human dignity.”
AMERICA FIRST MEANS CURBSIDE LAST
Trump wrapped it up with a signature mic-drop: “We're not just cleaning up streets—we’re taking out the Democrat trash policies, too.” The left wept. America cheered. The sidewalks sighed in relief.
