Articles

BERKELEY, CA – In a groundbreaking step to address the critical issues facing our generation, Woke University has proudly announced its newest academic offering: The Bachelor of Arts in Existentialist Birdwatching. This innovative program promises to equip students with the necessary tools to stare intensely at feathered friends while contemplating the futility of it all. Read More.

Fear gripped Elmwood Heights residents this week as local Kroger stocked its shelves with an alarming amount of kale chips and kombucha. This blatant preparation for the impending "Snowpocalypse" has triggered anxieties and sparked heated debates about gluten-free survival strategies. Read More.

In a move as surprising as it is unprecedented, President Biden has announced a groundbreaking initiative to foster national unity: arresting all of his political opponents. "Look, folks," Biden declared from the Oval Office, "we've tried everything to bridge the partisan divide. Bake sales, unity picnics, mandatory singalongs of 'Kumbaya' – nothing worked. So, I'm taking a new approach: mandatory incarceration." Read More.

Joe's ghoulish hands are everywhere. Read More.

Forget cramped apartments and leaky basements, illegal immigrants in New York City are about to experience a housing upgrade unlike any other. Mayor de Blasio, in a move that's sure to leave both NIMBYs and humanitarian aid workers scratching their heads, has announced the "Subterranean Sanctuary" initiative. This ambitious (and slightly unsettling) project will see a network of recently discovered underground tunnels transformed into chic, subterranean living spaces for undocumented New Yorkers. Read More.

Forget Comic Con, Coachella, or Burning Man. Step aside, puny fit-spo influencers, because there's a new haven in town for flesh-tastic fun: Fat Con! Buckle up, butterballs, because it's time to celebrate that extra layer of love handles like the badges of honor they truly are. Read More.

In a saga as Floridian as sunburn and questionable life choices, Stuart “Sunburnt Stu” Stanhope (47, teeth optional) has declared war on the nefarious Lawn Flamingo Mafia (LFM) that terrorizes his meticulously manicured suburban jungle. His weapon of choice? Not a flamethrower, not a rogue alligator, but the ultimate Florida arsenal: sunscreen and spatulas. Read More.

Rabbi criticizes hostility toward Jews at Harvard. Read More.

In a move that will surely delight cryptocurrency enthusiasts and confuse the general public, eccentric billionaire Elon Musk today unveiled his latest venture: "Project Doge Exodus." The ambitious plan aims to abandon Earth altogether and relocate humanity to a newly terraformed planet named "Planet Doge." Read More.

Seems logical. Read More.

Visionary tech pioneer and self-proclaimed Dogefather, Elon Musk, unveiled his latest groundbreaking venture today: Barkit, a social media platform exclusively for canines. Read More.

Little Rock, AR - In a fortuitous stroke of schedule-fu, former President Bill Clinton has announced a last-minute "educational outreach program" that will take him overseas for the foreseeable future, conveniently coinciding with the highly anticipated release of Jeffrey Epstein's infamous "Little Black Book." Read More.

Celebrities and former politicians are mentioned in evidence that formed part of Epstein accuser Virginia Giuffre's civil lawsuit against his former lover Ghislaine Maxwell in 2015. Many have not been accused of any wrongdoing. Read More.

Feeling like your carbon footprint weighs more than a hippopotamus wearing a parka? Fear not, environmentally-conscious friend, because eco-guilt just got an eco-makeover! Introducing the all-new, guilt-trip 2.0, now packaged in 100% recycled bamboo and organic shame! Read More.

BRUSSELS, Jan. 2nd, 2024 (The Panicked Press): In a stunning turn of events that scientists would call "inevitable" and economists "bankruptingly obvious," several leading nations have finally declared victory over the Covid-19 pandemic. Yes, that pesky cough that disrupted our carefully manicured social calendars and our questionable hygiene habits is officially deader than disco. How did we achieve this monumental feat? By channeling the combined neuroses of a germaphobe with a social media addiction, of course! Read More.