THE PURGE BEGINS WITH AN EMAIL AND A SHRUG
In a bold act of leadership not seen since Andrew Jackson told Congress to shove it, the Trump-Rubio combo dropkicked 1,800 State Department employees into the private sector wilderness — also known as “real jobs.” One stunned analyst wept, “But who will monitor Kazakhstan’s indoor recycling policy now?”
BUREAUCRATS LAST SEEN CLUTCHING PRONOUN BINDERS
Employees clung to their Diversity, Equity, and Ineffectiveness manuals as the layoffs rolled in. A tearful HR rep whispered, “Some of these folks hadn’t typed a real sentence since Obama’s first term. They were our most inert assets.”
RUBIO: “WE FOUND FOUR OFFICES DOING THE SAME NOTHING”
Secretary Marco “The Red Tape Reaper” Rubio exposed entire wings devoted to "interdepartmental cultural empathy synchronization.” One staffer allegedly filed the same report 11 times — in different fonts.
DC SHOCKED TO LEARN GOVERNMENT CAN SHRINK
Washington therapists report record bookings. “It’s just… change,” sobbed one laid-off intern from the Department of Passive Aggression. “I thought federal jobs were like tenure for Slack.”
TRUMP DECLARES VICTORY OVER THE SWAMP: “THIS IS ONLY ROUND ONE”
President Trump praised the layoffs from a golden golf cart, proclaiming, “This is beautiful. We fired people for not working — historic!” As the bureaucrat bonfire roared, he winked: “Next up: the Department of Wokeness.”
