THE FIFTH AMENDMENT GETS A WORKOUT
In what historians are now calling “the most cardio a Constitutional Amendment has ever gotten,” Dr. Kevin O’Connor pleaded the Fifth so many times during his Oversight Committee interview, the Capitol echo chamber briefly registered it as a Gregorian chant. The first question? “Were you ever told to lie about the president’s health?” O’Connor: “Fifth.” Second question? “Is the president aware he’s president?” O’Connor: “Can I plead the Fifth again but harder?”
HOUSE COMMITTEE SHOCKED TO DISCOVER INVISIBLE PRESIDENT
Representative Comer emerged from the hearing visibly shaken, stating, “We asked if Joe Biden was fit to serve, and got a legal silence so loud it shattered windows in Delaware.” He later confirmed they’re now investigating whether Biden is actually being operated by a team of interns with a weekend Ouija board and a Wi-Fi signal from 2009.
PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY: NOW A FORCEFIELD
O’Connor’s legal team insists he wasn’t hiding anything — just upholding sacred medical tradition. “Doctor-patient privilege is very real,” said one attorney. “And in this case, extends to forgetting what year it is, who the president is, and how stethoscopes work.” When asked if Biden’s health records would be released, O’Connor replied, “Only if you can solve three riddles and pass through the Valley of Shadows.”
BIDEN DECLARED “VIBRANTLY FUNCTIONING,” THEN WALKS INTO A BROOM CLOSET
After the hearing, the White House reaffirmed President Biden’s top-tier mental acuity, citing his ability to recite half of “The Star-Spangled Banner” and remember where he parked the nuclear codes (last seen taped under a Delaware IHOP table). Dr. Jill Biden reportedly reassured staff: “He’s sharper than ever. Just ask the toaster.”
TRUMP RESPONDS: “I’LL RELEASE MY HEALTH RECORDS IF JOE RELEASES HIS BLOOD TYPE”
As the Biden administration attempted to spin the deposition into a yoga session on medical ethics, Trump fired back on Truth Social: “My doctor says I’m the healthiest man alive. Biden’s doctor says, ‘No comment.’ You decide!” Meanwhile, MAGA Nation remains unconvinced, launching a new campaign: “Let Joe Blink Twice If He’s Conscious.”
