Articles

Seattle's Smart Toilets Demand Reparations After Meeting Public

Seattle's $116,000 smart toilets lasted weeks before vandals struck, prompting city leaders to conclude the real problem is insufficient emotional support. Read More.

California Awards Girls’ Track Titles To Whoever Feels Fastest Today

State officials unveil bold new fairness model allowing athletes to identify as winners before competitions even begin. Read More.

Congress Proposes Menstrual Leave, Emotional Recovery Days, And Grief Week For Mondays

Lawmakers push new workplace protections ensuring Americans never again face the trauma of uninterrupted employment. Read More.

Congress Creates New Agency To Investigate Why Government Keeps Growing

Lawmakers launch a $14 billion federal office dedicated to discovering why federal agencies never stop multiplying. Read More.

Homeland Security Launches “Aliens.gov” After Americans Admit They’d Trust E.T. More Than Congress

New federal website tracks illegal aliens while Americans quietly admit extraterrestrials seem more trustworthy than elected officials. Read More.

Congress Demands Warning Labels On Fireworks Before America’s 250th Birthday

Description: Lawmakers propose trauma-sensitive fireworks rules after activists claim loud explosions could “marginalize emotionally vulnerable listeners.” Read More.

White House Introduces “Emotionally Sustainable” Power Grid For AI Servers

Federal officials unveil a new “feelings-first” energy plan ensuring AI data centers operate without harming activists emotionally. Read More.

Vatican Warns AI Could Replace Humanity, Congress Immediately Orders More AI

After the Pope cautions against AI domination, Washington responds by asking ChatGPT to draft the federal budget. Read More.

California Launches Emotional Support Referee Program For Men’s High School Sports

California officials unveil “inclusive referees” trained to affirm biological reality only when absolutely necessary. Read More.

Congress Approves New “Affordable” Spending Bill Costing Only Future Civilization

Lawmakers celebrate bipartisan fiscal responsibility after passing trillion-dollar package nobody actually read completely. Read More.

Churches Introduce AI Pastors So Congregants Can Finally Sleep In

American churches embrace artificial intelligence clergy, allowing worshippers to enjoy personalized sermons without enduring human interaction. Read More.

Vatican Warns AI Could Replace Humanity, Youth Pastors Already Applying

Church leaders caution against artificial intelligence as megachurches unveil ChatGPT-powered sermons and robo-baptisms. Read More.

Pentagon Introduces “Emotionally Inclusive” Grenades For Modern Warfare

Military leaders unveil empathy-first combat tools after years of DEI training reportedly left soldiers “too judgmental.” Read More.

Congress Approves 9,000-Page Spending Bill Nobody Actually Read

Lawmakers celebrated bipartisan unity this week by funding 47 new agencies nobody can explain or locate on a map. Read More.

NPR Staff Offered Free Coding Bootcamp, Immediately Declare JavaScript “Problematic”

After taxpayer funding cuts, NPR employees reportedly demanded emotional support llamas before learning HTML in a safe environment. Read More.