Articles

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a development that has surprised absolutely no one, a local man named Harold Buttersworth has discovered that he is living in a computer simulation. The shocking revelation came to Harold during a particularly tedious Tuesday afternoon commute, when a pixelated bird clipped through his windshield and a rogue NPC began spouting nonsensical dialogue about the weather. Read More.

Breaking news: In a stunning exposé that's sure to send shockwaves through the political landscape, a team of investigative journalists has uncovered a disturbing truth – the President's hair isn't the only thing that's mysteriously animated. Read More.

 In a move that's shaking up the charts (literally), Ben Shapiro has released a rap song with Tom McDonald. For around 30 seconds, the podcaster spits lyrics as sweeping camera shots punctuate the scene. Incredibly, the song is now sitting at number four on iTunes in the rap genre. Read More.

BOCA RATON, FL - In a development that will send shockwaves through the Geritol aisle, local octogenarian Harold "Hurricane" Hartigan stumbled upon the legendary Fountain of Youth while attempting to retrieve his dentures from a gator pond. Now a spry 23-year-old on Social Security, Harold is causing chaos at his retirement home, demanding everything from "banger tunes" at bingo night to a laser tag tournament in the shuffleboard court. Read More.

In a development sure to send shockwaves through the actuarial tables, 107-year-old Bartholomew "Bart" Barnaby has officially broken the record for oldest retiree in human history. Mr. Barnaby, a spry former mime known for his interpretive renditions of the mating habits of the sandhill crane, retired from his position as "Greeting Flamingo" at the Boca Raton Flamingo Sanctuary last week. Read More.

In a move that is sure to both delight and terrify biohackers everywhere, tech mogul Elon Musk has unveiled his latest venture: Tesla Spa. This luxurious new wellness center promises to recharge your tired human batteries using cutting-edge technology straight from the minds of Tesla engineers. Read More.

Washington D.C. - In a move that surprised absolutely everyone, including himself, President Joe Biden announced his re-election campaign today. The 82-year-old, facing record inflation and a nation on the brink of a banana peel shortage, declared, "Folks, I ain't done yet! There's still malarkey to bust, ice cream to eat, and stairs to fall down in style!" Read More.

Move over, Tinder and Bumble, there's a new player in town – and it's got gigabytes of your anxieties to prove it. Introducing "Existential Abyss," the revolutionary, algorithm-driven dating app that pairs you with your perfect… well, let's just say you won't be swiping right for "long walks on the beach" ever again. Read More.

Ah, the Super Bowl. A time of unity, of shared passion, of... checks bank account... eating cold ramen while staring longingly at the chicken wings on the neighbor's TV. But fear not, proletariat sports fans, for even though your pockets are as empty as a pre-game hot dog stand, there's still plenty to celebrate! Read More.

The NFL is doing its part to contribute to the current climate of racial divisiveness by once again featuring a rendition of the “Black National Anthem” at next month’s Super Bowl in Las Vegas. Read More.

In a stunning display of climate activism ingenuity, 19-year-old environmental guru Greta Thunberg has unveiled her latest plan to combat climate change: powering the ever-expanding Metaverse entirely by her own physical energy. Read More.

BREAKING: Former South Carolina Governor and UN Ambassador Nikki Haley has officially announced her candidacy for President of the United States, vowing to bring a "bold, flavorful" approach to the Oval Office. Read More.

Nikki gets on her knees for globalism. Read More.

In a groundbreaking move that promises to reshape history textbooks, the Smithsonian Institution has announced its acquisition of Hunter Biden's infamous laptop for a record $420 million. Experts believe the device, known for its trove of incriminating emails and questionable artwork, may hold the key to unlocking the secrets of human evolution. Read More.

FBI investigators allegedly discovered powered cocaine on the firearm pouch Hunter Biden had used to hold the gun he purchased in October 2018. Read More.