TRUMP’S SANCTIONS LOVE STORY: FROM “NYET” TO “MAYBE?”
President Trump reportedly went from “Let’s talk peace” to “Let’s choke their oil exports until they’re selling balalaikas on Etsy.” The shift happened moments after Putin ghosted Trump’s latest peace Zoom — allegedly because he was “trapped in a Siberian sauna.”
GRAHAM AND BLUMENTHAL: THE ODD COUPLE SAVING THE FREE WORLD
Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) and Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn.) joined forces like a buddy-cop film nobody asked for. Their plan? Slap 500% tariffs on anyone daring to buy Russian energy — because nothing says diplomacy like economic carpet bombing.
WHITE HOUSE SINGS A NEW TUNE, POSSIBLY IN RUSSIAN
After months of saying sanctions would hurt peace talks (and his feelings), Trump now seems interested — especially after someone explained the tariffs don’t apply to Trump Tower Moscow… “yet.”
PUTIN PANICS AS AMERICA REBOOTS THE COLD WAR — IN HD
Inside sources claim Putin wept openly after learning India and China might pay more for his oil. “First they ban my bots, now this?” he cried, while wrestling an elk in mild distress.
TRUMP 2024: MAKING SANCTIONS GREAT AGAIN
As Trump now considers this bill “tremendous,” MAGA fans can rest easy knowing sanctions are back, peace is optional, and Putin may have just lost his last Twitter alt account.
