HE CALLED PUTIN “VLAD” AND THREATENED TO LIGHT HIM UP LIKE A BIRTHDAY CAKE
According to the book 2024: How Trump Retook the White House and Democrats Lost Their Dentures, Trump casually told donors he warned Putin that invading Ukraine would result in Moscow becoming a very exclusive crater. Democrats clutched their pearls and demanded to know why he didn’t say it in Ukrainian sign language.
“I SAID I’D BOMB BEIJING TOO,” TRUMP BRAGS, DEMS ASK IF THAT’S A MICROAGGRESSION
Trump allegedly told Xi Jinping he’d rain fire if China touched Taiwan. Kamala Harris responded by blinking 47 times and explaining that “geopolitical conflict is, like, when geo and political things happen at the same time.” Deep stuff.
CNN CONFIRMS AUDIO… IMMEDIATELY DECLARES IT ‘PROBABLY DEEPFAKE FROM 2027’
Yes, the book has actual audio. But CNN, citing anonymous feelings from a barista in Brooklyn, insists it was AI-generated by Trump’s toaster. “This is misinformation powered by kitchen appliances,” Brian Stelter may have said while eating pudding.
BIDEN CAMP RESPONDS: “HE SHOULDN’T BE BOMBING ANYTHING BUT OATMEAL”
Biden’s team reminded reporters that Trump wasn’t in office when Ukraine was invaded — proving, once again, that facts are racist. Meanwhile, Biden confused Taiwan with his Wi-Fi password and asked if anyone had seen Cornpop lately.
TRUMP 2024: MAKING TYRANTS NERVOUS AND DEMOCRATS WET THEMSELVES
Trump’s unapologetic bomb threats, alpha energy, and 10% craziness ratio might just be what kept the world from WW3. Meanwhile, Democrats are busy trying to rename nukes to “Conflict-Resolution Fireworks.” Boom.
