March 12, 2025 – Vermont, Utopia-in-Exile
In what can only be described as the most harrowing moment since someone explained supply and demand to him, Senator Bernie Sanders has declared that America is sliding into oligarchy and authoritarianism under President Donald J. Trump. Yes, folks—Bernie is SCARED.
"This is the scariest time of my life," wailed Sanders to a crowd of masked, triple-boosted supporters, ignoring the fact that he lived through World War II, the Cuban Missile Crisis, and every single bad haircut decision he’s ever made. Authoritarianism? In America? Someone tell Bernie he’s not in Venezuela—yet.
Sanders, famous for his deeply held beliefs that the government should own everything except the means of creating billionaires, is on a nationwide "Stop the Oligarchs" tour, where he bravely rails against rich people from the comfort of his third home. Insiders say his true fear isn’t Trump, but the possibility of a Trader Joe’s opening in Burlington, undermining his local socialist co-op.
Meanwhile, the White House responded with calm indifference, with one Trump official chuckling, “Bernie’s scared? Good. He should be. We just made ‘Learn to Code’ mandatory for every political science major.”
Despite his righteous fear, Sanders is rumored to be considering a daring escape to Canada—but only if they agree to cover his dental work and re-nationalize maple syrup production.
As America teeters on the brink of fascism (also known as low unemployment and affordable gas), one thing remains certain: If Bernie’s terrified, Trump must be doing something right.
