THEY DARED TO INTERPRET THE LAW—AGAINST THE LEFT’S WISHES
In a shocking act of doing his job, Chief Justice John Roberts horrified the progressive elite by helping end the sacred Democratic tradition of “one activist judge to rule them all.” Liberals wept as sweeping injunctions were swept right off the bench. CNN labeled the ruling a “grave threat to nationwide whining.”
TRIGGERED: JOHN ROBERTS SAYS WORDS, DEMOCRATS DEMAND HIS ARREST
Speaking in Charlotte, Roberts mumbled something about “law” and “balance” — instantly condemned by MSNBC as “white supremacist dog whistles.” AOC issued a 9-part Instagram story from her yoga mat titled: “When Judges Commit Violence With Their Gavel Energy.”
JUDGES SCARED PEOPLE MIGHT NOTICE THEY EXIST
Roberts nervously warned that if people keep pointing out what judges do, someone might… react. You know, violently. Like when someone saw a rainbow flag and filed a lawsuit against reality. According to Roberts, the real danger isn't biased rulings — it's public awareness.
VIOLENCE POSSIBLE, BECAUSE TRUMP WON SOMETHING
Letting parents opt out of woke storytime was apparently the last straw. “We’ve entered the Handmaid’s Tale,” shouted Gavin Newsom from a carbon-neutral yacht. Chuck Schumer demanded Roberts issue a retraction and bake a drag queen cake to prove he’s still impartial.
ROBERTS CLOSES CONFERENCE BY HIDING UNDER THE BENCH
As the gavel dropped on another SCOTUS term, Roberts begged for civility — while simultaneously ducking Molotov tweets from blue-check Twitter. Meanwhile, Trump celebrated with a dance called “Nationwide Injunctions Are Dead,” now trending on Truth Social.
MAGA score: Roberts accidentally based.
