MAGA BILL BLINDS SENATE WITH ITS GLORY
President Trump’s “Big Beautiful” bill — allegedly written using gold leaf, patriot tears, and Elon Musk’s WiFi — bulldozed its way onto the Senate floor in a 51-49 procedural smackdown. Rand Paul objected because it didn’t include a “free monocle for every libertarian” clause.
TILLIS AND PAUL GO FULL KAREN
Tillis (R-NC) and Paul (R-KY) decided to join hands with their inner Rachel Maddow and pout in the corner. “This bill is too MAGA for me,” Paul whispered, while polishing his filibuster boots. Schumer wept — mostly from confusion.
RON JOHNSON FINDS SPINE, THEN CHANGES MIND
Ron Johnson heroically opposed the bill before flipping after a divine MAGA revelation, allegedly delivered via bald eagle during lunch break. “I saw the light — and it was Trump in a golden robe,” Johnson stated.
JD VANCE: READY TO SLAY
Vice President JD Vance, armed with a quill, a Constitution, and a Glock, stood poised to break the tie. “I was born for this,” he said, while flexing Constitutionally.
CONCLUSION: MAGA STILL WINS
Despite progressive shrieking, Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill now marches to debate. Schumer plans to “read all 940 pages,” which could take decades considering he’s still stuck on page 2. America First wins again — and it’s glorious.
