Freedom Ain’t Free — It Costs $3.3 Trillion Now
In a historic move to supercharge the economy and turbo-yeet socialism into the sun, Senate Republicans are heroically trying to pass President Trump’s $3.3 trillion tax-cut-and-explode-the-budget plan. Democrats immediately shrieked that the bill “doesn’t even mention solar-powered tofu equity zones.”
Vote-A-Rama Becomes Sleep-A-Geddon
What began as a Monday turned into a weeklong quantum time vortex as Senators collapsed in a Red Bull-fueled “vote-a-rama,” a mystical ritual last seen in the Book of Revelations. “We’re in the home stretch,” claimed a visibly blinking John Thune at hour 17. That was 6 hours ago.
Math Crisis Paralyzes Congress
Chaos erupted when Senators realized the bill contained “numbers.” Staffers attempted basic arithmetic using AI, Ouija boards, and sacrificing office interns to the CBO. Senator Fetterman asked, “Wait, is trillion the one after gazillion?”
Democrats Demand Bill Be Replaced With Feelings
Democrats proposed an alternate bill titled “Feelings First,” which funds universal therapy goats, reparations for ferns, and a Biden whisper translator. Chuck Schumer sobbed, “How dare you cut taxes while the nation’s compost is underfunded!”
Trump Declares Victory Before Vote, Names Bill ‘Operation Money-Laser’
As the vote drags on, Trump already declared “total victory,” renaming the legislation “Operation Money-Laser.” “This bill is like a bald eagle riding a tank made of gold — perfect,” Trump said. “Also, it’s going to pay for itself in pure American greatness.”
