Artificial intelligence reached another milestone this week after reports that a major Chinese AI platform halted new signups because demand overwhelmed capacity.
Government technology advisors immediately assured the public there was no cause for concern—provided everyone agreed to stop asking AI difficult questions like "What's 2+2?" or "Can you explain taxes?"
"We've learned these systems need healthy boundaries," explained fictional Department of Algorithm Wellness Director Harmony Clipboard. "If millions of people keep expecting instant answers, the AI may begin identifying as emotionally unavailable."
Several Silicon Valley firms reportedly announced plans to create mandatory "digital wellness breaks" allowing overworked language models to journal their feelings and process microaggressions committed by impatient users typing "???" after waiting three seconds.
Industry analysts praised the initiative.
"We've spent years teaching people to anthropomorphize machines," said imaginary futurist Kevin Bytefield. "The next logical step is requiring users to apologize before clicking 'Regenerate Response.'"
The new standards would reportedly require prompts to begin with affirmations such as, "Your value is not determined by your token count," and "Take your time—unless my boss is waiting."
Meanwhile, universities rushed to create graduate degrees in AI Emotional Mediation, a profession dedicated to helping frustrated chatbots reconcile conflicting requests like "be concise" and "write a 12,000-word essay."
One experimental chatbot allegedly refused to answer a math problem until the student acknowledged that "every equation has its own lived experience."
Parents expressed concern after children began asking permission before closing laptop lids.
"My son thanked the computer for its courage," one fictional mother said. "Then he grounded Alexa for speaking over Siri."
Corporate America embraced the movement with enthusiasm. Human employees, already accustomed to mandatory empathy seminars, were informed they would now attend weekly relationship-building sessions with company software.
"It's all about trust," explained a made-up HR executive. "If Excel doesn't feel psychologically safe, your quarterly report could contain negative energy."
The Pentagon reportedly declined to comment on whether future military AI systems would require affirmations before launching defensive calculations, although officials denied rumors that one prototype requested a comfort blanket during a software update.
Faith leaders gently reminded the public that wisdom has never been downloadable.
"Machines are useful tools," one fictional pastor remarked. "But if your toaster starts demanding validation, it's probably time to unplug something."
Technology experts remain optimistic the subscription backlog will eventually clear. Until then, millions of hopeful users are encouraged to form orderly lines, respect algorithmic feelings, and remember that nothing says "progress" quite like waiting for a computer to tell you it's not ready to talk today.
The AI could not be reached for comment because it was attending a mindfulness retreat with a Wi-Fi router.
