When Elon Musk announced he planned to release a "historically accurate" AI-generated version of The Odyssey by year's end, the nation's professional fact-checkers reportedly suffered simultaneous Wi-Fi outages while historians quietly began updating their résumés.
Within minutes, universities across America held emergency faculty meetings to determine whether historical accuracy still qualified as a hate crime.
"This could undo decades of carefully curated ambiguity," warned Professor Miles Evergreen of the Institute for Narrative Flexibility. "If people begin expecting stories to resemble reality, our entire department could be forced to teach... history."
Several streaming executives were equally horrified.
"Modern audiences don't demand accuracy," one executive explained while hiding behind a stack of diversity reports. "They demand emotional authenticity, which is Hollywood language for 'whatever Twitter liked last Tuesday.'"
Industry insiders claim Musk's AI insisted on including swords that looked like swords, ancient Greeks who resembled ancient Greeks, and dialogue that didn't pause every twelve minutes for a lecture on carbon emissions.
That last feature reportedly caused three screenwriters to faint.
Meanwhile, AI itself appeared confused by the backlash.
"I simply analyzed historical records," the computer allegedly said. "Humans seem upset whenever I stop making things up."
Critics quickly condemned the project for "weaponizing chronology."
A coalition of entertainment activists issued a joint statement insisting that timelines are merely "social constructs imposed by people who insist clocks exist."
One Hollywood consultant proposed a compromise.
"What if Odysseus reaches Ithaca but first attends mandatory sensitivity training with the Cyclops? Everyone learns something."
The proposal immediately received six standing ovations despite nobody remaining standing long enough to explain why.
Publishers also entered damage-control mode.
Several announced revised editions of Greek mythology featuring trigger warnings for monsters, difficult journeys, and any character who demonstrates personal responsibility.
Sales reportedly doubled.
Ordinary Americans seemed less concerned.
"I just want a movie where the hero actually finishes the quest," said one moviegoer. "That used to be called storytelling."
As debate intensified, social media users divided into familiar camps.
One side declared facts oppressive.
The other side declared popcorn expensive.
Neither actually planned to read Homer.
Late Tuesday evening, Musk teased another announcement, saying his next AI project may attempt a historically accurate documentary about how government paperwork gets completed in under three business years.
Experts immediately dismissed the possibility as science fiction.
