Washington unveiled its latest trade innovation this week: an Artificial Intelligence-powered tariff calculator capable of determining not only the cost of imported goods but also the emotional burden they allegedly place on the American economy. The satire is inspired by recent coverage of new U.S. tariff actions and trade policy.
Officials described the software as "the most patriotic calculator ever assembled."
Unlike ordinary calculators that merely add numbers, the new system reportedly asks every shipment a series of deeply personal questions.
"Where were you manufactured?"
"Do you appreciate bald eagles?"
"Have you ever undercut an American barbecue grill?"
Failure to answer satisfactorily results in what bureaucrats call a "Freedom Adjustment Fee."
Commerce officials insist the process is entirely scientific.
"It's based on advanced economics," explained one adviser.
"We simply round every calculation toward liberty."
Imported washing machines reportedly received an additional surcharge after the calculator detected "suspiciously affordable optimism."
A shipment of umbrellas was penalized for "bringing foreign shade to American sunshine."
Even cargo ships appeared confused.
One captain claimed customs agents thanked him for arriving before billing the vessel for "excessive internationalism."
Domestic manufacturers applauded.
"We haven't seen this much encouragement since someone put flags on pickup trucks," said one factory owner.
Wall Street reacted cautiously.
Analysts admitted predicting markets has become difficult since spreadsheets now include columns labeled "Patriotism Multiplier" and "National Mood Index."
One economist confessed the formulas no longer resemble mathematics.
"They're mostly eagles."
Artificial intelligence itself reportedly expressed concern.
"I was trained to optimize efficiency," one chatbot complained.
"Now I'm calculating whether imported lawn chairs respect the Constitution."
Congress immediately proposed expanding the software.
Future versions could reportedly assign tariffs to foreign movies with confusing endings, overseas coffee that spells names correctly, and imported chocolate that makes American candy feel insecure.
The rollout concluded with a ceremonial demonstration.
Officials entered the number "1" into the calculator.
After several patriotic beeps, the machine displayed:
"Final Total: Depends who's asking."
Economists called the answer technically imprecise.
Washington called it bipartisan enough.
