The Department of Strategic Feelings announced Monday that America has entered what officials describe as an "indoor outdoor war," a groundbreaking military doctrine allowing missiles and diplomacy to alternate every few hours so no worldview feels excluded.
The new approach follows another round of public discussion over Iran negotiations, where headlines bounced between warnings of military action and optimism over diplomatic talks faster than cable news could redesign its graphics.
Defense planners insist the policy is "the perfect compromise."
"We bomb until lunch, negotiate after lunch, and spend dinner assuring everyone this was always the plan," explained Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Strategic Mixed Messaging, Harold Clipboard.
Analysts praised the innovation for reducing polarization.
"For decades Americans argued whether leaders should be hawks or doves," said geopolitical consultant Amanda Drymarker. "Now we're introducing the first government-certified woodpecker strategy. Nobody knows what it's doing, but it's making plenty of noise."
Military briefings reportedly now begin with a PowerPoint titled "Choose Your Own Foreign Policy Adventure." Each slide asks officials whether they'd prefer sanctions, diplomacy, air power, or another strongly worded press release before spinning a giant wheel to make the final decision.
White House staff reportedly appreciate the flexibility.
"If negotiations succeed, we say diplomacy worked," one anonymous aide claimed. "If they fail, we explain the diplomacy was actually preparing the battlefield. Either way somebody writes a memoir."
International observers admitted they're struggling to keep up.
"Our translators now have three versions of every speech," sighed one European diplomat. "One for allies, one for adversaries, and one for whatever gets posted on social media fifteen minutes later."
Meanwhile, defense contractors have unveiled an exciting new "Pause Button Missile," capable of hovering politely while diplomats finish their press conference before continuing toward its destination.
Faith leaders also weighed in.
"There's nothing wrong with seeking peace," said Pastor Jim Holloway. "We're just hoping someday Washington remembers peace works best when everyone stops holding press conferences about how peaceful they're planning to become."
Financial markets reacted positively after investors learned uncertainty itself has become America's most stable export.
The Pentagon denied accusations of inconsistency, explaining that flexibility is simply "strategic confidence wearing flip-flops."
At press time, Congress voted unanimously to commission a bipartisan committee tasked with determining whether the committee should continue meeting after its scheduled recess, proving once again that Washington has mastered the ancient art of declaring victory before locating the battlefield.
