Government Promises Complete Transparency Immediately After Hiding Transparency From Everyone

Citizens expressed confusion.

"I thought transparency meant releasing information," said local taxpayer Harold Benson.

"It does," replied officials.

"So when will you release it?"

"We've released our commitment to releasing it."

"What about the data?"

"That would undermine transparency."

Experts immediately praised the strategy.

Political consultant Avery Consensus noted, "Nothing builds public trust quite like suing to prevent the public from seeing what you're asking them to trust."

Several ministries reportedly competed to expand the concept.

The Department of Transportation announced traffic reports would now be classified to avoid discouraging commuters.

The Weather Bureau proposed keeping rain forecasts secret so storms could arrive without prejudice.

Meanwhile, the Treasury suggested hiding inflation figures because "prices feel lower when people stop counting."

Journalists attending the press conference received folders labeled:

CONFIDENTIAL PUBLIC INFORMATION

Inside each folder was a motivational quote reminding reporters that curiosity is often misinformation wearing glasses.

One official insisted critics were exaggerating.

"We're not hiding facts," she explained. "We're simply placing them in a secure location where misinformation can't accidentally find them."

When asked where that secure location was, she answered:

"Our filing cabinet of democratic resilience."

The cabinet reportedly cannot be opened because it has been designated culturally sensitive.

Public polling showed overwhelming support for knowing things.

Government analysts immediately classified the poll.

Historians pointed out that previous civilizations also believed uncomfortable truths could be buried indefinitely.

Archaeologists confirmed this by uncovering entire empires underneath similar filing cabinets.

Officials remain optimistic.

A newly proposed Ministry of Transparency will oversee future efforts to ensure every missing document is accompanied by an exceptionally detailed explanation of why nobody needs to read it.

Its new national slogan has already been approved: