Hollywood executives gathered this weekend for an emergency storytelling summit after renewed concerns that Homer's Odyssey contains insufficient emotional validation for contemporary audiences.
The legendary epic, written nearly three thousand years ago by someone who never once consulted an intimacy coordinator, has reportedly failed multiple modern sensitivity screenings.
"We love ancient literature," explained studio consultant Brianna Inclusivity. "We just wish ancient civilizations had anticipated our current HR policies."
Early drafts of the revised screenplay reportedly remove every monster, every conflict, and every difficult decision in favor of ninety-eight minutes of respectful dialogue circles.
Odysseus no longer defeats the Cyclops.
Instead, he helps the giant process feelings of visual impairment while apologizing for centuries of ableist mythology.
The Sirens have also been reimagined.
Rather than luring sailors to destruction, they now host weekly wellness podcasts discussing emotional boundaries and sustainable shipping practices.
Poseidon has reportedly agreed to stop creating storms after attending mandatory climate-awareness counseling.
"The sea was acting out because it felt unheard," explained one script doctor.
Penelope's famous patience has likewise been updated.
Rather than waiting faithfully for Odysseus, she launches a successful consulting firm specializing in long-distance relationship optimization and receives glowing reviews from trade publications.
Ancient Greek historians were initially unavailable for comment because most have been dead for over two millennia.
However, several classics professors admitted they are preparing emotionally for another semester explaining why Achilles cannot simply "talk things out."
Studio focus groups expressed enthusiasm for the revised ending.
"I didn't feel challenged by anything," one audience member celebrated.
"I also don't remember anything that happened."
"Perfect," responded the producers.
Merchandising opportunities have expanded considerably.
Children will soon enjoy plush Trojan Horses equipped with warning labels stating, "Contains surprise guests. Please obtain informed consent before opening."
One executive summarized the new creative philosophy.
"Our goal isn't historical accuracy."
"It's historical comfort."
Industry insiders say future adaptations are already underway.
David and Goliath will reportedly conclude with a mediated conflict-resolution workshop.
Noah's Ark is expected to reduce rainfall after complaints from aquatic inclusion advocates.
And The Three Little Pigs will finally apologize for making assumptions about wolf housing preferences.
Hollywood remains optimistic that, after enough revisions, every classic story can become equally safe, equally forgettable, and equally eligible for three standing ovations before anyone remembers what the plot was supposed to be.
