The National Association of Convenient Definitions announced Wednesday that reality will now operate on a subscription model, allowing facts to change depending on who is speaking, what camera they're facing, and whether an election is less than eighteen months away.
Officials unveiled the policy shortly after another public argument over biological males competing in women's sports reignited nationwide debate. The announcement reassured Americans that science remains "settled," except on weekdays ending in "y."
"Our commitment to science has never been stronger," explained Dr. Avery Consensus while standing beneath a banner reading Believe the Experts Unless They Disagree With Us. "We simply recognize that chromosomes are rigid, outdated concepts until a championship medal is involved."
The clarification reportedly confused millions of Americans who had been told for years that asking basic biological questions was dangerous misinformation.
One university professor welcomed the new flexibility.
"We're entering the post-biology era," she declared. "Reality should never interfere with inclusion unless our volleyball team starts losing."
Television panels quickly adapted. Morning shows featured animated graphics explaining that gender is an infinitely complex spectrum requiring years of academic study, followed immediately by commentators confidently identifying every Olympic event as either men's or women's without the slightest hesitation.
Meanwhile, sporting organizations introduced a revolutionary "Feelings Weight Class," allowing competitors to identify as whichever division produced the most favorable odds that morning.
One coach praised the innovation.
"This removes discrimination entirely," he said. "Now every pregame strategy meeting begins with, 'How are we identifying today?'"
Parents watching from the sidelines admitted they were struggling to keep up.
"I just wanted my daughter to play soccer," sighed one mother. "Instead I've apparently enrolled in Advanced Metaphysics with a minor in Government Vocabulary."
Corporate sponsors immediately embraced the moment, unveiling rainbow-colored scoreboards that automatically adjusted definitions every commercial break.
Even dictionaries joined the effort by releasing an app update where every word now carries the disclaimer: Meaning subject to cultural developments and quarterly earnings reports.
By evening, polling revealed Americans overwhelmingly preferred reality when it remained consistent for longer than a cable news segment.
Responding to criticism, officials reassured the public that no contradictions actually exist.
"If you think our position has changed," one spokesperson insisted, "that's only because your understanding of objective truth hasn't been updated."
At press time, mathematicians were reportedly preparing to apologize after discovering that two plus two may also identify as five whenever the funding committee feels sufficiently affirmed.
