Articles

In a stunning linguistic coup d'état, the esteemed Society for Correct Speech (SCS) has declared all non-American accents to be "microaggressions of pronunciation." The controversial ruling, issued earlier today, has sent shockwaves through the global language community, sparking heated debates about cultural appropriation, vocal fry, and the inherent tyranny of diphthongs. Read More.

Joe Scarborough: self-hating Southerner? Read More.

Silicon Valley, in its never-ending quest to solve problems nobody asked for, has unveiled its latest brainchild: Procrastinator Pro Plus, the miracle pill that turns chronic procrastination into a superpower. Read More.

Attention, oxygen-guzzlers and air-hogs! Scientists have issued a dire warning: our very breath holds the key to planetary annihilation. Yes, you heard right, your daily dose of that sweet, sweet O2 could trigger the apocalypse. How? Through the Earth-shattering phenomenon known as... Collective Exhalation. Read More.

A new government-funded study out of Britain, conducted by scientists at the U.K. Center for Ecology and Hydrology, purports to show that “human breathing is contributing to greenhouse gas emissions.” Therefore, the study authors are urgi... Read More.

Ah, the misquote. Often derided as a blunder, a stain on the pristine tapestry of knowledge. But I say phooey! Misquotes are not errors, they're interpretive tapestries woven with the finest threads of artistic license. They're not wrong, they're just... different. Read More.

The fake news strikes again. Read More.

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Washington D.C., December 12th, 2023 - In a groundbreaking move, President Biden unveiled his long-awaited plan to combat gun violence, titled "Scoops for Safety: An Ice Cream-Centric Approach to Disarming America." The plan aims to incentivize gun owners to voluntarily surrender their firearms in exchange for delicious, all-American ice cream. Read More.

The NRA issued a blistering statement in response to a proposal from the ATF that the NRA says could "criminalize" Americans who engage in firearm transactions. Read More.

The world of sleep research has just witnessed a revolutionary breakthrough. Scientists at the International Snore-ological Institute (ISI) have unveiled a groundbreaking device capable of harnessing the power of human snoring and transforming it into usable energy. Read More.

A Massachusetts man died after allegedly stabbing himself by accident Read More.

In a groundbreaking move that will surely revolutionize higher education, prestigious universities across the nation have announced a bold new policy: finals are now optional. That's right, students can simply choose not to take them and still pass their courses. Read More.

In a move sure to send shockwaves through the political establishment, President Biden unveiled a bold new proposal: a minimum age requirement of 85 for anyone seeking elected office. "Look, folks," Biden declared, sporting his signature aviator sunglasses indoors, "the world's a complicated place. You need years of experience, wisdom, and preferably a faint memory of the Depression to understand what's best for this country." Read More.

It’s up to a new generation of leaders to change the country’s “toxic political climate,” Bush said in Miami. Read More.