In the world of political horror, nothing strikes fear into the hearts of both Democrats and Republicans quite like the thought of Joe Biden dragging himself out of retirement — again. Like a beloved boogeyman of yore, the 81-year-old president is once again being summoned from his slumber. With Vice President Kamala Harris struggling to inspire anyone beyond her immediate family and Minnesota Governor Tim Walz presumably busy navigating snowstorms, it seems the Democrats have a new plan: hit the reboot button on Biden, Hollywood style!
After all, what could possibly go wrong with another Biden term? He’s fresh off a tenure of strong (though, to be fair, sleepy) leadership that consisted of squinting through teleprompters, expertly avoiding questions, and occasionally mistaking interns for long-lost friends. Who could forget his hard-hitting statements like “uh… well, you know the thing!”—a true political marvel.
The problem, it seems, is that the Democratic bench is about as deep as a kiddie pool. Kamala Harris, after a groundbreaking career of… well, making word salads sound like word smoothies, has failed to ignite any fire among voters. "Word is bond!" she declares enthusiastically in interviews, though what she means remains a mystery, much like her strategy for border control.
Meanwhile, Governor Tim Walz seems to be more concerned with snow plows and winter driving tips than anything resembling a presidential campaign. Perhaps he’ll unveil a plan to salt the icy relationships between red and blue states with the same finesse he applies to Minnesota's roads.
Enter stage left, a resurrected Joe Biden, the Democrats' go-to political zombie. While most people his age are cruising around Florida golf courses or testing new casserole recipes at retirement homes, Joe has bigger plans: conquering the presidency (again!) one slow, deliberate shuffle at a time. Maybe next time, he’ll even find the Oval Office on the first try!
Democrats' 2024 game plan isn’t exactly inspiring confidence. Some wonder if their strategy meetings involve rewatching old episodes of Weekend at Bernie’s for campaign inspiration. Perhaps Biden’s next big speech will come with two staffers in dark sunglasses propping him up while disco music plays in the background.
Of course, none of this stops the Democrats from invoking their age-old playbook of scaremongering Republicans with tales of impending doom should any other candidate prevail. Biden, they say, may be their last line of defense against a Red Wave or the terrifying specter of anyone with an actual policy platform.
On the Republican side, there’s a growing sense of amusement. After all, if Biden is the best the Democrats can muster, why stop him? Let Joe shuffle through another term while America watches, popcorn in hand. It could be the greatest reality show ever, and unlike the Democrats' offerings, this one might even have some actual substance—like reducing taxes, securing the border, or just keeping inflation in check.
In the meantime, while Democrats weigh whether to ride the Biden Train all the way to the finish line (assuming he can find it), the rest of America will sit back and marvel. Just when you think the political season couldn't get any stranger, the Democrats remind us: old habits die hard. And so, apparently, does Joe Biden’s political career.
But hey, if Biden wins, we could finally see the first inauguration held over Zoom, complete with technical difficulties and a virtual audience that nods off. At least it’ll be fitting.
