Articles

Move over, Tinder and Bumble, there's a new player in town – and it's got gigabytes of your anxieties to prove it. Introducing "Existential Abyss," the revolutionary, algorithm-driven dating app that pairs you with your perfect… well, let's just say you won't be swiping right for "long walks on the beach" ever again. Read More.

Ah, the Super Bowl. A time of unity, of shared passion, of... checks bank account... eating cold ramen while staring longingly at the chicken wings on the neighbor's TV. But fear not, proletariat sports fans, for even though your pockets are as empty as a pre-game hot dog stand, there's still plenty to celebrate! Read More.

The NFL is doing its part to contribute to the current climate of racial divisiveness by once again featuring a rendition of the “Black National Anthem” at next month’s Super Bowl in Las Vegas. Read More.

In a stunning display of climate activism ingenuity, 19-year-old environmental guru Greta Thunberg has unveiled her latest plan to combat climate change: powering the ever-expanding Metaverse entirely by her own physical energy. Read More.

BREAKING: Former South Carolina Governor and UN Ambassador Nikki Haley has officially announced her candidacy for President of the United States, vowing to bring a "bold, flavorful" approach to the Oval Office. Read More.

Nikki gets on her knees for globalism. Read More.

In a groundbreaking move that promises to reshape history textbooks, the Smithsonian Institution has announced its acquisition of Hunter Biden's infamous laptop for a record $420 million. Experts believe the device, known for its trove of incriminating emails and questionable artwork, may hold the key to unlocking the secrets of human evolution. Read More.

FBI investigators allegedly discovered powered cocaine on the firearm pouch Hunter Biden had used to hold the gun he purchased in October 2018. Read More.

BERKELEY, CA – In a groundbreaking step to address the critical issues facing our generation, Woke University has proudly announced its newest academic offering: The Bachelor of Arts in Existentialist Birdwatching. This innovative program promises to equip students with the necessary tools to stare intensely at feathered friends while contemplating the futility of it all. Read More.

Fear gripped Elmwood Heights residents this week as local Kroger stocked its shelves with an alarming amount of kale chips and kombucha. This blatant preparation for the impending "Snowpocalypse" has triggered anxieties and sparked heated debates about gluten-free survival strategies. Read More.

In a move as surprising as it is unprecedented, President Biden has announced a groundbreaking initiative to foster national unity: arresting all of his political opponents. "Look, folks," Biden declared from the Oval Office, "we've tried everything to bridge the partisan divide. Bake sales, unity picnics, mandatory singalongs of 'Kumbaya' – nothing worked. So, I'm taking a new approach: mandatory incarceration." Read More.

Joe's ghoulish hands are everywhere. Read More.

Forget cramped apartments and leaky basements, illegal immigrants in New York City are about to experience a housing upgrade unlike any other. Mayor de Blasio, in a move that's sure to leave both NIMBYs and humanitarian aid workers scratching their heads, has announced the "Subterranean Sanctuary" initiative. This ambitious (and slightly unsettling) project will see a network of recently discovered underground tunnels transformed into chic, subterranean living spaces for undocumented New Yorkers. Read More.

Forget Comic Con, Coachella, or Burning Man. Step aside, puny fit-spo influencers, because there's a new haven in town for flesh-tastic fun: Fat Con! Buckle up, butterballs, because it's time to celebrate that extra layer of love handles like the badges of honor they truly are. Read More.

In a saga as Floridian as sunburn and questionable life choices, Stuart “Sunburnt Stu” Stanhope (47, teeth optional) has declared war on the nefarious Lawn Flamingo Mafia (LFM) that terrorizes his meticulously manicured suburban jungle. His weapon of choice? Not a flamethrower, not a rogue alligator, but the ultimate Florida arsenal: sunscreen and spatulas. Read More.