Articles

BOSTON - In a move guaranteed to melt snowflakes across the state, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts has announced a groundbreaking new initiative: the official categorization of snowmen as non-binary gender fluid precipitations (NGFPs). The controversial policy, effective immediately, mandates all снежные бабы (pronounced “snezhnye baby”, Russian for “snow woman”) and their frosty counterparts comply with the new nomenclature or face potential deconstruction. Read More.

It’s been nearly a year since the debacle of the infamous Chinese spy balloon played out over the skies of North America. While the balloon initially entered American airspace over Alaska on Jan... Read More.

MIAMI, FL - In a stunning display of holiday cheer and misinterpreted political ideology, Florida Man Timmy "Tommy Tanks" McGruder, 37, declared war on Santas across the Sunshine State today. Armed with a MAGA hat, a box of expired fireworks, and an unwavering conviction that elves are secretly spreading communism, McGruder embarked on a one-man crusade against the jolly figures. Read More.

“Cocaine isn’t healthy – but the reality is that people use it,” one expert said. “We can’t change that, so we should try to ensure people use it in the safest, … Read More.

Remember the wall? That glorious, orange-tinged serpent slithering across the US-Mexico border, promising to choke the life out of illegal immigration? Well, believe it or not, the world laughed, scoffed, and then...followed suit. Turns out, a wall ain't just a wall when Trump's behind it. It's a global trendsetter. Read More.

In a groundbreaking linguistic discovery that threatens to shatter the foundations of communication as we know it, renowned professor Dr. Bartholomew Frumpleton-Sprocket has revealed that the entire English language is, in fact, an elaborate series of misinterpreted emoji. Read More.

In a stunning linguistic coup d'état, the esteemed Society for Correct Speech (SCS) has declared all non-American accents to be "microaggressions of pronunciation." The controversial ruling, issued earlier today, has sent shockwaves through the global language community, sparking heated debates about cultural appropriation, vocal fry, and the inherent tyranny of diphthongs. Read More.

Joe Scarborough: self-hating Southerner? Read More.

Silicon Valley, in its never-ending quest to solve problems nobody asked for, has unveiled its latest brainchild: Procrastinator Pro Plus, the miracle pill that turns chronic procrastination into a superpower. Read More.

Attention, oxygen-guzzlers and air-hogs! Scientists have issued a dire warning: our very breath holds the key to planetary annihilation. Yes, you heard right, your daily dose of that sweet, sweet O2 could trigger the apocalypse. How? Through the Earth-shattering phenomenon known as... Collective Exhalation. Read More.

A new government-funded study out of Britain, conducted by scientists at the U.K. Center for Ecology and Hydrology, purports to show that “human breathing is contributing to greenhouse gas emissions.” Therefore, the study authors are urgi... Read More.

Ah, the misquote. Often derided as a blunder, a stain on the pristine tapestry of knowledge. But I say phooey! Misquotes are not errors, they're interpretive tapestries woven with the finest threads of artistic license. They're not wrong, they're just... different. Read More.

The fake news strikes again. Read More.

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Washington D.C., December 12th, 2023 - In a groundbreaking move, President Biden unveiled his long-awaited plan to combat gun violence, titled "Scoops for Safety: An Ice Cream-Centric Approach to Disarming America." The plan aims to incentivize gun owners to voluntarily surrender their firearms in exchange for delicious, all-American ice cream. Read More.