BERKELEY, CA - In a stunning display of toddler tyranny, a group of kindergarteners at the prestigious "Little Sprouts Academy" have staged a protest demanding the immediate removal of all finger paints from their classrooms. They claim the vibrant colors are "microaggressive" and "triggering" to their delicate sensibilities.
"The audacity of these paints to be so unapologetically colorful!" declared five-year-old Timmy, brandishing a cardboard sign that read "Smash the Crayon Cis-tem!" in wobbly crayon. "My non-binary goldfish, Bubbles, identifies as a muted beige, and these paints are just gaslighting them into believing they should be a shocking neon pink!"
The children's demands have been met with surprising support from the school administration. Principal Penelope Featherbottom, sporting a "Free Hugs (Unless You're Problematic)" t-shirt, explained, "We take the emotional well-being of our students very seriously, even if they are only three feet tall and smell vaguely of goldfish crackers. We're replacing the finger paints with a selection of organic, locally-sourced, gluten-free, cruelty-free, non-GMO, fair-trade, and microaggression-free mud."
However, some parents are raising concerns. "My son just wants to paint a picture of a purple dinosaur," said one bewildered mother. "Is that now considered cultural appropriation?"
Meanwhile, the finger paint industry is scrambling to adapt. "We're launching a new line of 'Sensitivity Swatches,'" announced a spokesperson for Crayola. "These swatches will feature calming, gender-neutral colors like 'Existential Beige' and 'Passive-Aggressive Periwinkle.' Each color will come with a trigger warning, just in case."
The kindergarteners, however, are already planning their next protest. They demand the school replace nap time with "mandatory mindfulness meditation sessions" and replace playground equipment with "collaborative conflict resolution sandboxes."
Stay tuned for further developments in this rapidly evolving paint-based power struggle.
