Private Sector Defies Predictions, Adds Jobs Without Government Permission
In a horrifying turn of events for liberal economists, 140,000 jobs were added in May—without a single new government department being created. CNN experts were last seen Googling “What is productivity?”
Federal Government Accidentally Downsized, Bureaucrats Now Endangered Species
With 22,000 federal jobs vaporized like Hillary’s emails, endangered species lists now include “Assistant Deputy Liaison to the Deputy Assistant Secretary of Inclusion.” PETA is reportedly outraged.
Average Wages Up, Bernie Sanders Threatens To Sue Math
Wages rose faster than AOC’s TikTok followers, prompting Senator Sanders to propose a new “Wage Equality Through Forced Poverty” bill. “We must flatten wages to save fairness,” he muttered, eating his third free lunch.
Rubio Smacks ICC With Sanctions, Judges Demand Emotional Support Tribunals
After the ICC tried arresting Bibi Netanyahu, Secretary Rubio laid down the law with sanctions so spicy they triggered four resignations and one haiku on oppression from a Slovenian judge.
TRUMP WINS AGAIN, ESTABLISHMENT MELTS DOWN
President Trump celebrated the numbers with a steak dinner and a smirk. “Told ya. Less government, more winning.” Meanwhile, the DNC called an emergency meeting to discuss banning economic growth “for equity reasons.”
