CAIRO, EGYPT - In a groundbreaking discovery that's sure to rewrite history (and possibly offend it), archaeologists have unearthed a clay tablet dating back to 2500 BC, containing the earliest example of cancel culture ever found. The inscription, written in a primitive form of hieroglyphics, details a heated debate between two pharaohs over the proper use of pronouns for a particularly stubborn sphinx.
"It appears the conflict arose when Pharaoh Ramses III insisted on referring to the sphinx as 'he,'" explained Dr. Penelope Featherbottom, lead archaeologist and self-proclaimed "defender of ancient pronouns." "This sparked outrage from Queen Nefertiti, who argued that the sphinx, lacking a beard or any other defining features, should be addressed with they/them pronouns."
The tablet continues with a description of the ensuing Twitterstorm (minus the actual tweets, of course), complete with hieroglyphic versions of "problematic" and "microaggression." The pharaoh, naturally, is accused of "mansplaining" and "toxic masculinity," while the queen is lauded for her "woke" stance and "intersectionality."
"This discovery proves that cancel culture isn't just a modern phenomenon," Dr. Featherbottom declared, adjusting her vintage spectacles. "It's deeply embedded in human history, a timeless struggle for pronoun justice!"
However, not everyone is convinced. Professor Thaddeus Stone, a rival archaeologist known for his "problematic" views on historical accuracy, scoffs at the interpretation. "These academics are seeing what they want to see," he argued, stroking his tweed beard. "The inscription clearly mentions the sphinx's impressive beard, which obviously signifies male pronouns. This is just another case of political correctness rewriting history!"
The debate has ignited a firestorm on social media, with hashtags like #SphinxHeSheThey and #AncientEgyptiansWereWoke trending worldwide. Meanwhile, souvenir shops are scrambling to create woke sphinx merchandise, featuring pronoun options and non-binary hieroglyphs.
One thing's for sure: this discovery proves that even in the cradle of civilization, people found plenty of things to be offended by. Just don't expect any pyramids built in the name of pronoun justice anytime soon.
