THUNE COURAGEOUSLY DECIDES TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
When asked if he'd overrule the Parliamentarian, Thune looked deep into the eyes of the Constitution, shrugged, and said “No.” Sources say he was later seen whispering “please like me” to a life-sized cutout of Elizabeth MacDonough.
BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL NOW JUST “BIG SAD BULLET POINTS”
Once filled with MAGA glory—like blocking Medicaid for illegal aliens and defunding gender unicorn surgeries—the bill now resembles a wet napkin. “We’ll find another way,” Thune muttered while folding a surrender flag into a paper crane.
GOP’S MASTER PLAN: HOPE PARLIAMENTARIAN FORGETS
Insiders report Republicans are exploring “alternative language,” like using invisible ink or pig Latin to sneak provisions back in. “She can’t strike what she can’t see,” said one anonymous senator with a copy of How to Legislate for Dummies.
DEMOCRATS CELEBRATE: “PARLIAMENTARIAN 2028?”
Progressives hailed MacDonough as their newest icon. AOC has already commissioned a statue made of recycled tofu and climate guilt. Chuck Schumer called her “an inspiration to all unelected people who want total power.”
TRUMP RESPONDS: “FIRE HER, DEPORT HER, BUILD A WALL AROUND HER OFFICE”
In classic Trump fashion, the real president chimed in: “Thune folded faster than a cheap deck chair in a Biden beach photo op. We need fighters, not fainting goats!” The MAGA base agreed—and started crowdfunding for a Parliamentarian-proof Senate.
