May 22, 2024 — In a bold move to maintain the harmonious echo chamber of collegiate discourse, Upper Crust University (UCU) has expelled sophomore Jason Freewell from its residence halls for the grievous crime of uttering an unauthorized opinion.
Freewell, an economics major, was overheard in the dining hall questioning the efficacy of UCU’s latest campus initiative, "The Green Silence Project," which aims to reduce carbon emissions by encouraging students to hold their breath for 30 seconds every hour. "I just don't see how this will make a significant impact," Freewell allegedly remarked to a friend while chewing on a locally sourced, gluten-free quinoa salad.
Within minutes, the incident was reported by several students via the university's cutting-edge "Speak Up and Shut Down" app, designed to protect the campus community from dangerous ideas. The app, which operates on a blockchain to ensure reports cannot be tampered with, immediately flagged Freewell's comment for review by the newly formed Office of Institutional Feelings.
"We take the emotional safety of our students very seriously," said Dr. Harmony Softly, Vice President of Sentiment and Sensitivity. "Freewell's comments were a direct attack on our collective commitment to sustainability. His skepticism could cause others to question the initiative, leading to a potential domino effect of critical thinking. This is a risk we simply cannot take."
Following a swift 15-minute investigation, during which Freewell was neither consulted nor informed, the university's Bias Response and Sentencing Tribunal (BRaST) concluded that his words constituted "conduct unbecoming of a UCU student." The tribunal’s decision was unanimous and final, echoing the unwavering unity that UCU strives to instill in its students.
Freewell’s expulsion from the dorms was enacted immediately. Campus security, wearing the latest in non-offensive, gender-neutral uniforms, escorted him from his room while his belongings were carefully packed by volunteers from the Feelings First Club. The club members, donning gloves to avoid contaminating their auras with his toxic ideology, ensured his transition from the dorms was as smooth as possible.
“We hope this serves as a lesson to the rest of the student body,” said Dean Tolerant Spock, head of Student Conformity Affairs. “Our university is a place of learning and growth, but only within the acceptable parameters of pre-approved thought. We cannot allow the dangerous spread of personal opinions that haven’t been vetted by the appropriate authorities.”
Freewell, now residing off-campus in an undisclosed location to avoid further repercussions, expressed his disbelief in a brief statement to a local independent news outlet. “I didn’t think asking a question would lead to this,” he said, naively clinging to the antiquated notion that universities are places for free inquiry and debate. “But I guess I was wrong.”
Meanwhile, UCU students have been reminded to remain vigilant and report any suspicious intellectual activity to the authorities. As part of the university’s ongoing efforts to maintain peace of mind, a new seminar titled “Freedom from Speech: Embracing the Quiet” will be mandatory for all students next semester.
“We believe this incident underscores the importance of our mission,” Dr. Softly concluded. “By eliminating dissent, we create a safer, more inclusive environment where every student can thrive without the burden of independent thought. Together, we can build a future that’s not only greener but also blissfully unanimous.”
As for Freewell, sources say he is adjusting to his new life of exile, although he’s reportedly still grappling with the realization that his education at Upper Crust University was far more expensive than he ever imagined.
