EPSTEIN CASE CLOSED BY DOJ, EVIDENCE SEALED IN A VAULT OF INVISIBLE INK
In a shocking turn of events, the DOJ and FBI have officially declared that Jeffrey Epstein's client list doesn’t exist—kind of like CNN’s credibility or Joe Biden’s second coherent sentence this year. According to reports, Bondi announced, “Case closed!” before riding off into the sunset on a solar-powered Segway of denial.
BONGINO TAKES DAY OFF TO SCREAM INTO THE VOID
Sources say Bongino didn’t show up Friday, prompting speculation he had either quit or spontaneously combusted. Insiders report he’s “not coming back,” possibly because he realized “Epstein’s suicide” is the DOJ’s version of “the dog ate my homework.”
BONDI ACCUSED OF OVERPROMISING; DELIVERS ‘NOTHINGBURGER DELUXE’
Apparently, Bondi had been talking up “major Epstein revelations” like she was hosting a QVC special. Instead, Americans got a DOJ memo that reads like a napkin from Chuck Schumer’s lunch meeting. “She overpromised,” said one source, “like a Democrat promising free stuff without math.”
FBI SAYS ‘NO CLIENT LIST,’ PUBLIC RESPONDS WITH UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER
After decades of blackmail, island trips, and mysteriously broken cameras, the FBI now assures us Epstein acted alone and took his secrets to the grave—right before the cameras cut out and the guards took a nap. Comforting!
TRUMP SUPPORTERS DEMAND INVESTIGATION RUN BY TRUTH-COMMITTED TODDLERS OR TUCKER CARLSON
In response, MAGA patriots are calling for real transparency: appointing a special counsel made up of toddlers who can't lie or Tucker Carlson's forehead vein. “It’s time we get answers,” said one voter, “not bedtime stories from the Deep State.”
