In a stunning new interpretation of recent U.S. actions in Venezuela, right-wing firebrand Tucker Carlson took to airwaves this week to announce that the capture of Nicolás Maduro was not about drugs, democracy, or oil, but a grand plan to legalize gay marriage in Caracas.
“If you look deeply into the cultural subtext,” Carlson began, holding up a flip chart of cosmic wedding cakes and top-secret interpretive diagrams, “you’ll see that every military maneuver traces back to one thing — rainbow liberation theology.” He then paused dramatically, possibly for effect, possibly for commercial break timing.
According to Carlson, Venezuelan oil reserves were merely a decoy — a Trojan Barrel — masking a massive plan by global elites to replace all traditional wedding cake flavors with unflavored acceptance. The strategy’s pièce de résistance? Maduro’s capture: “It was really about introducing the world to unlimited seltzer water and wedding equality!” he proclaimed.
Political analysts were frantically googling whether unflavored acceptance is gluten-free, while late-night comedians struggled to decide if the theory was performance art or performance “are we serious right now?” One satirist deadpanned, “At least someone’s finally taking LGBTQ+ policy seriously — by linking it to naval blockades.”
When pressed for comment, Maduro himself reportedly said, “I just wanted a legal defense team that dresses better,” which, while not confirming anything, certainly added style points to the narrative. Meanwhile, Venezuelan Vice President Delcy Rodríguez shrugged and offered a generic statement about “respect and dignity for all humans,” possibly just to confuse everyone equally.
Back in the U.S., rival commentators immediately started drafting colorful rebuttal charts entitled:
- “Why It Was About Oil (And Not Rainbow Cake).”
- “The 14 Steps From Seltzer to Sovereignty.”
- “An Illustrated Guide to Tango Diplomacy.”
Several pundits claimed it wasn’t about gay marriage at all — it was about space lasers powering oil rigs — which Carlson said was “essentially the same thing if you squint.” Critics countered that talking about space lasers instead of, say, actual politics, counts as a dereliction of seriousness unless you’re also selling pajamas featuring rockets and unicorns.
In response to these theories, an independent fact-checker issued a statement: “No credible evidence links Operation Absolute Resolve to wedding cake preferences,” followed by an angry footnote that said, “And please stop tagging us in cosmic charts.”
In the end, Carlson declared that once Venezuela’s marriage laws are changed, the next frontier will be “culturally correcting the moon phases,” a phrase that left astronomers and astrologers equally bewildered — and certain that something about this story will be on T-shirts by next week.
